Hiya Cutiepie. <3

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:06:06 GMT

Different forms of love can be observed throughout William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Two primary relationships described include the loves between Hamlet and Ophelia and Claudius and Gertrude. However, the one potential connection that is rarely recognized occurs between Hamlet and his mother Gertrude. Hamlet, though attempting to love Ophelia, possesses an Oedipus complex in connection to Gertrude, strengthened by his father’s demise and the replacement of Claudius, creating his hatred for Claudius. Hamlet appears angry at most surrounding people out of frustration for his unrequited love for his mother in combination with the jealousy and intolerance of his sly, sneaky, incestuous uncle.

Hamlet’s love for his mother, known psychologically as an Oedipus complex, and defined as, delves further as time progresses. The farther away the death of Hamlet’s father and Gertrude’s former husband King Hamlet moves, the less guilty Hamlet feels about this romantic passion and the more it is emphasized. However, this love is not shown chiefly through intimate moments or sweet actions; instead, his love and frustration is demonstrated through anger directed towards Gertrude, reprimanding her and hurting her to attempt to make her realize her mistake of entwining in a marriage with Claudius based solely upon lust and power. One soliloquy given from Hamlet to Gertrude includes the statements “O shame, where is thy blush? Rebellious hell,/If thou canst mutine in a matron’s bones,/To flaming youth let virtue be as wax/And melt in her own fire. Proclaim no shame/When the compulsive ardour gives the change,/Since frost itself as actively doth burn,/And reason panders will.” (Shakespeare, 145) This selection indicates Hamlet’s disgust for her childlike lust for Claudius and asks how it is expected for a young person to control their lust when an adult is incapable of the same action. Hamlet is the young person he is referring to, with the lust for his mother unable to be controlled. It is simple for Hamlet to love an older woman when the woman is acting young on her own accord. In addition to that, Hamlet also discourages his mother’s marriage by saying the marriage between her and Claudius is “Such an act/That blurs the grace and blush of modesty,/Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose/From the fair forehead of an innocent love/And sets a blister there, makes marriage vows/As false as a dicers’ oaths. Oh such a deed/As from the body of contraction plucks/The very soul, and sweet religion makes/A rhapsody of words.” (Shakespeare, 143) Basically, Hamlet tells Gertrude that her marriage was an abomination to religion and has given a bad name to the sacrament of marriage. In speaking to Gertrude in this manner, Hamlet is displaying his love for her through his jealousy of Gertrude and Claudius’s lustful union. Hamlet attempts to convince his mother not to sleep with Claudius in the selection, “Good night – but go not to my uncle’s bed;/Assume a virtue if you have it not./That monster custom, who all sense doth eat,/Of habits devil, is angel yet in this,/That to the use of actions fair and good/He likewise gives a frock or livery/That aptly is put on. Refrain tonight,/And that shall lend a kind of easiness/To the next abstinence, the next more easy,/For use almost can change the stamp of nature/And either…the devil, or throw him out,/With wonderful potency.” (Shakespeare, 151) He displays quite vividly his jealousy and love for his mother, begging his mother to be abstinent and detached from Claudius in order to draw herself away from him. Hamlet despises seeing the woman he is in love with in connection with the man whom he detests.

The relationship Gertrude has with Claudius causes Hamlet to hate Claudius with a burning passion. Hamlet makes an insulting statement that attacks Claudius’s sexuality, demonstrating his sexual jealousy and inadequacy towards Claudius; “My mother. Father and mother is man and wife, man and wife is one flesh, and so, my mother. Come, for England.” (Shakespeare, 165) This describes a taunting play on Claudius where Hamlet calls Claudius his mother because of the sexual bond between Claudius and Gertrude. The statement reinstates Hamlet’s obsession with his mother’s sexuality and cruelly emphasizes his passion towards her if read in a snide tone. Although Hamlet’s main reasons for hating Claudius lie in the murder of King Hamlet and Claudius’s returned hatred for him, Hamlet is more concerned with the immodest way in which Claudius uses his mother purely for control over Denmark and then attempts to make it seem like he truly loves her. For example, Claudius feigns true love for his Queen and uses that love as an excuse for his inability to kill Hamlet by saying, “The queen his mother/Lives almost by his looks, and for myself,/My virtue or my plague, be it either which,/She’s so conjunctive to my life and soul,/That as the star moves not but in his sphere,/I could not but buy her.” (Shakespeare, 187) Claudius says this to Laertes in an attempt to show his power and control, which he lacks in his inability to kill Hamlet before Hamlet attempts to kill him, in addition to trying to convince the general public that Claudius did not only marry Gertrude to steal away the throne from Hamlet. Overall, however, the hatred between Claudius and Hamlet over Gertrude comes to terms in the end of the drama, when Hamlet murders Claudius. Hamlet is no longer killing his uncle for the sake and revenge of his dead father, but instead for the death of his newly dead mother whom Claudius accidently killed in an attempt to murder Hamlet. It is possible that there were more feelings about Hamlet from Gertrude, considering that he is the last one that she calls for when she is dying, saying as she dies, “No, no, the drink, the drink – O my dear Hamlet -/The drink, the drink – I am poisoned.” (Shakespeare, 233) He responds in outrage after Laertes confesses the plot of the king in his dying words by saying, “Thy mother’s poisoned -/I can no more – the king, the king’s to blame.” (Shakespeare, 233) Hamlet stabs Claudius, injuring him, and then forcing his to continue to drink the remainder of his mother’s poison, saying, “Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane,/Drink off this poison. Is thy union here?/Follow my mother.” (Shakespeare, 235) Here, Hamlet mocks the union of their marriage in depression, forcing Claudius to stay with his mother in death as well. Although Claudius’s murder of his wife was unintentional, Hamlet still took more offense to the act because it was committed by the man who had stolen everything from him, and now killed the woman he loved.

Hamlet’s relationship with Ophelia can never be taken seriously because of his feelings for his mother. He feigns love for Ophelia out of necessity just as Claudius feigns love for Gertrude. It would seem that Hamlet is trying to hide or dismantle his feelings towards Gertrude by trying to love someone else instead. The only time Hamlet truly claims to love Ophelia when asked by his mother after Ophelia’s death. He would never express his love for his mother so openly, so when put on the spot, Hamlet does what is expected and confesses his former love for Ophelia; “I loved Ophelia; forty thousand brothers/Could not with all their quantity of love/Make up my sum.” It is understandable to believe that Hamlet did care affectionately for Ophelia before his father passed away; there is a letter read aloud by Polonius from Hamlet to Ophelia proving that there once was a passion between them. However, following the death of King Hamlet, their love becomes harder to believe seeing as that is when his true passion for his mother begins to unfold. Hamlet constantly questions his love for Ophelia. He confesses that he no longer loves her in the passage, “Ay truly, for the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty from what it is to a bawd, than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness. This was sometime a paradox, but now the time gives it proof. I did love you once.” (Shakespeare, 107) When Ophelia responds by saying that she did believe he loved her at some point, Hamlet takes his rejecting of Ophelia a step farther by saying, “You should not have believed me, for virtue cannot so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of it. I loved you not.” (Shakespeare, 107) He is completely disrespectful to her and inconsiderate of her feelings, but is unable to help the fact that he no longer, nor supposedly ever did, love her. Claudius also doubts Hamlet’s feelings for Ophelia, saying “Love? His affections do not that way tend…There’s something in his soul/O’er which his melancholy sits on brood,/And I do doubt the hatch and the disclose/Will be some danger.”(Shakespeare, 109) He is harsh and unable to love Ophelia, seeing as he is already madly in love with his mother and cannot carry on with a relationship which means nothing to him. Because the love from his mother is not returned, he feels a strong dislike towards all women, especially represented in the statement, “Or if thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool, for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery go, and quickly too.” (Shakespeare, 109) His play on sexual innuendo with Ophelia only emphasizes her lack of value to him, specifically when he includes the more bitter, stinging innuendo, saying, “I could interpret between you and your love if I could see the puppets dallying…It would cost you a groan to take off mine edge…So you mistake your husbands.” (Shakespeare, 125) He speaks poorly of women in general as he tries to control Ophelia sexually. All Ophelia ever did was attempt to love Hamlet and keep him safe, while he is instead commenting on his mother’s smiling face, obviously more focused on his mother than he is on Ophelia. One Ophelia has her first scene of madness, she demonstrates in a song the ways that Hamlet used her, despite the fact that he did not love her. The lyrics read, “By Gis and by Saint Charity,/Alack and fie for shame,/Young men will do’t if they come to’t-/By Cock, they are to blame./Quote she, ‘Before you tumbled me,/You promised me to wed.’/He answers-/So would I ha’ done, by yonder sun,/And thou hadst not come to my bed.” (Shakespeare, 175) The song indicates Hamlet’s feelings towards her in the regard that she lost her virginity to him even though there was no clear intention of them ever getting married. Now, however, he no longer has any desire to marry Ophelia, seemingly because she had lost her virginity to him before they had gotten married. He didn’t want her for anything more because that was the one sure thing that Hamlet could never receive from his mother.

Although many people stood in his way, killing Claudius made Hamlet able to show his true affection for his mother before he died in the ultimate way: by avenging her death. Despite his hatred for women, Hamlet is able to display his love regularly throughout the drama, although majority of the time he is hurting someone else in the process. Falling out of love with Ophelia was his easiest challenge, although the most confusing one to deal with. Attempting to put his sexual feelings for his mother at bay, he instead brings them out towards Ophelia, making her nothing more than a side pleasure. Hamlet’s love for his mother is in a category of its own: strong, passionate, and seemingly unrequited. It is definitely not questionable that Hamlet could never love another woman more than he loved his own mother; seeing as he died with her, now he’ll never have to.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 02:17:26 GMT

So, today was completely uneventful.
I was kind of annoyed that Marz had something she was up to and couldn't tell me what,
But whatever. Her business, not mine.
Plus, apparently I didn't miss anything by not going to community days.
Word says it sucks this year. Oh well. Maybe next year. Hopefully the parade will be back.

Either way, today I really did nothing.
Sat online or read, all day long.
Oh, and had some great chinese food with the fam. That was a nice perk.
And emotionally helped out Kym. She needed it. I'm here for her. Of course.
I like being there for people.

Anyway, I still have to report on Brandon, so I'm guessing this would be the ideal time.

Brandon Michael Nowlin.
6'1. 190 lbs.
Blue/green eyes. Brown hair.
My darling. =]

I was introduced to him by my cousin Claudia, back in early July,
So we've been talking pretty much everyday for over a month now.
And he's amazing, let me tell you.
She was right - definitely my type. And, apparently, I'm definitely his.
Which works for me. Hahah.

Downside to all this - This boy of mine happens to be in San Antonio, Texas.
You know that's over 1,200 miles away?
Yeah. Far.
=[ Huh.
Thus far, I have only worked out that I'm going down there in December.
Months away.

I miss him. =[
Is it possible to miss someone you don't even know?

I'll start posting my attempt at a 5000 question survey on here, just so it's documented.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 00:08:18 GMT

THE 5000 QUESTION SURVEY Version 2.0

1. Who are you? Clair Elise Belmonte. Also known as “That one girl…”

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?
–People who are loud and obnoxious all the time drive me crazy.
-I’m horrible at taking compliments.
-I’m disgustingly shy around people I don’t know.

3. Who did you take this survey from (the entire survey is available here: http://www.myspace.com/5000_question_survey)? Myspace. Where everything good is destroyed.

When you aren't filling out 5000 question surveys, what are you doing? Dancing, mostly. That’s pretty much it.

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time). This year or last year?
[This year] Dance, Chorus, Italian, World Religions, Christian Scriptures, US History, Chem, English, Geometry, Computer Apps, Keyboarding, PE2.
[Last year] Italian, Algebra 2, World History, Hebrew Scriptures, Chorus, Catholic Christianity, English, Theatre Stagecraft, PE, Biology, Freshman Sem.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year? To get good enough grades to stay in IB?

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Dancing with a ballet company in Boston.

7. What stage of life are you in right now? That icky, twisted, hormonal teen stage.

8. Are you more child-like or childish? Child-like, in the ways of what makes me smile and such.

9. What is the last thing you said out loud? “Why do I careeee?” in response to my little cousin Andrew letting me know that the lawn people are here.

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now? Just Can’t Get Enough – Depeche Mode.

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes? Nope. Never. I wanted to when I was a kid though.

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same? It tends to fluctuate from one extreme to another.

13. Does time really heal all wounds? No. That’s proven to be false.

14. How do you handle a rainy day? By running outside, dancing and making the best of this blessing from God.

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights? Losing your luggage. I’d rather buy new lights altogether though.

16. How is your relationship with your parents? With my mother, a relationship is nonexistent and I plan to keep it that way. My father is the main person in my life; he’s the most amazing person I know.

Will you miss them when they are gone? My dad, oh, with everything in me. I could live without the nagging bitch.

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you? Very vaguely.

18. What is the truest thing that you know? Life goes on. You shouldn’t worry about stuff that doesn’t matter.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up? A ballerina. Always.

20. Have you ever been given a second chance? I’ve been given so many chances. God bless the people who give second chances. People need them.

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker? Giver. I’d give everything to make someone I care about happy.

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind? I try to the best of my ability.

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? Heartbreak.

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you? Heartbreak.

25. Who have you hugged today? Daddy, Andrew, Nonna. Going to hug Marz and Ria soon enough.

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you? Daddy. Nonna.

27. Do you have a lot to learn? I have everything to learn.

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?

A Perfect all ballet technique.

B Trigger loving responses in other people.

C Read minds.

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel? How people make me feel. That stays.

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship? Trust, Understanding, Common Goals, and Open Conversation between both parties.

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?

A Raise well rounded children.

B Live in a foreign country.

C Determine what true love really feels like…

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?

A Any major public speaking.

B Get married to someone I don’t love.

C Fail anything in school.

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause? Curing autism.

34. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19..

20's: Flappers. The movie “Chicago” and all that jazz.

30's: Big band music. Was that in the thirties?

40's: World War II

50's: “Leave It To Beaver” like mothers.

60's: Flower power and smoking pot.

70's: Disco. Duh. Anything sparkley.

80's: Weird clothing. Madonna and Devo. Fabulous one hit wonder era.

90's: Uhm, my entire childhood? The greatest/most pointless decade of them all?! Yeah, we had the internet and caller ID. We had a better childhood than all of you.

2000 (so far): Effin waste of time. Should go back to the nineties.

2010's: More technological bull than we have now.

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why? 90’s. Those are my years, yo.

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song? Oldies and Classic Rock are two different things. The greatest song of all time, which will live on forever. Freebird.

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country? America. Damn you, Bush.

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be? “Get the potatoes out of your brain and resign. If you care so much about the damn country, you wouldn’t make us deal with you for another miserable year.”

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night? USA, 31. There’s always either some law show or a classic 80’s movie on. What’s better than that?

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why? Gaston. The biggest jerk you know.

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout? Mmmhm. I was a junior back when I quit in… 5^th grade.

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat? Flying. It would get me there faster.

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night? The sun reflects off the moisture in the atmosphere to the sky, making the sky appear blue. At night, the sun is down and there is nothing to provide the light necessary for reflection.

43. What does your name mean? Clear and Bright. My full name means “clear, beautiful mountain.” And no, my parents were not hippies.

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space? The ocean. There’s so much more interesting stuff down there.

45. Word association

What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air: Filter. Wow, I’m a loser.

Meat: Vegetarian. Hah.

Different: Same. I think opposites, apparently.

Pink: Ew. Girly.

Deserve: Me? Hahah. Wow, who’s conceited?

White: Black. Market. What a good store.

Elvis: Presley. The King. Damn right.

Magic: School Bus. What the hell?!

Heart: The 80s band. Yum.

Clash: Another band. One I’m not specifically fond of.

Pulp: Fiction. Good movie.

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be? Frank Sinatra. He’s amazing.

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive? Mikhail Baryshnikov.

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday? The Breakfast Club.

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do? Do they have outlets in elevators? Probably not. I would bring my cell, but that’s too typical, and it’s a razr, so it would die pretty damn fast. Uhm, cards. I can play cards for hours.

50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved? Not that I recall, no.

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...

Fruitgoogle: the look you possess when looking at a piece of fruit you cannot eat. This efficiently describes the look Eve possessed for the Forbidden Fruit back in the Garden of Eden in biblical times.

Ambytime: an energy drink used to turn back time and make the time you previously wasted significantly more productive.

Armcactus: A spiked sleeve for the arm that is meant to be held up in front of your torso to protect yourself from a blow to the chest in a fight.

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands? I have no clue. Something not too good looking, I’m sure.

53. What was your favorite toy as a child? Barbies, of course.

54. How many TV’s are in your house? Dads – three. Moms – four.

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Roll down hills. Who doesn’t love to do that?

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow? Pretty. Witty. Gay. Ahaha. Well, no, I’m really indifferent.

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true? Most of my dreams are too unrealistic.

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader? No, but I really want to.

59. What is your idea of paradise? A big dance studio in the sky. With lots of bookcases and comfy chairs too.

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like? God is the only reason I’m here. He is astounding; un-human, yet remarkably able to understand human concepts of life. He is my protector and my father. I love Him.

61. Do you believe in Hell? If there is a place of pure bliss, there must be one of pure evil.

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't? Hah. Trained a llama.

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done? I’m not sure. I don’t do many kind things, I don’t think.

64. Are you a patient person? With people I love, I try to be. Naturally, I’m not.

65. What holiday should exist but doesn't? I think we should have a holiday to recognize 9/11. Not just because of another day off; because it’s important to remember.

66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does? Labor Day. What is the point of that?!

67. What's the best joke you ever heard? I love the political jokes of Sarah.

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been? Mmmm, I have no idea. I can’t even think of a remotely fun place.

69. Is your hair natural or dyed? It quickly went from highlighting to dying. It’s getting blonder and blonder every time I go.

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front? I’m pretty much front and center about everything. If it’s a secret, I forget it.

71. What is under your bed right now? Nothing. There’s the surprise of the century.

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home? Go home. I couldn’t deal with that many singing munchkins.

73. If you drive do you frequently speed? I don’t drive, but I wouldn’t speed either. Eeesh.

74. What is the world's best song to dance to? The Cha Cha slide. No one could POSSIBLY mess it up.

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone? Technically, a swing version of “Let It Snow.” Last week with Josh.

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers? Oooh. Ouch. Warner Brothers, probably.

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo? Snow leopards or giraffes.

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic? Not particularly. We’ll see what happens when I’m paired with the right person though.

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off? Fly? Float is more like it.

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it? Dance in a big company.

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick? Whatever right or freedom allows you to marry. I personally wouldn’t miss it much.

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? North Pole, definitely. Colllllllld. =]

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television? Television. Who needs it anyway?

84. What do you think makes someone a hero? They have admirable qualities, such as responsibility, respect, trustworthiness, etc. They are someone to look up to.

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in? Honestly? Totally Spies. =P I’m lame.

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach: Grades.

87. What was the last thing you paid for? White Caramel Chocolate Latte.

88. Are you a coupon clipper? I don’t think I’ve ever actually used a coupon in my life. Hmph.

89. Get anything good in the mail recently? Do schoolbooks count?

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling? Dancing. Duh.

91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So...

Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends? No. Just a clone of their former self. They clone themselves constantly enough that it seems like the same person. No one would know the difference.

92. What insects are you afraid of? Cicadas. Not afraid, really. They just disgust me.

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say? “If Ohio is for Lovers, would I get more there?” Ahahah. I always wanted to say that to someone from Ohio.

94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn? The first thing that comes to mind is that hideous all pink outfit in 6^th grade.

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be? Blueberry muffins.

96. What are your parents interested in? Uhm, work?

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet? Not an insect. But a frog. And a snake.

Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal? Snake! =D

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans? Wishes.

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest? When I’m dancing, of course.

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring? Bug spray, sleeping bag, matches.

101. What does happiness/joy feel like physically? Everything just floats. This doesn’t happen too often.

102. List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most.

A Dave. Hah.

B Daddy.

C Magen.

D Ria.

E Marz.

103. How many movies have you gone to see this month? None, I don’t think…

104. If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for?
1. Find the cure to autism.
2. Perfect, dream relationships for all my friends and family.
3. All my dancers make their way to professional careers.

105. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense? Dance around in my pointe shoes. Sleep.

106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in the springtime and get out of the car? This reminds me of The Breakfast Club. Hah. Uhm… as much as I need at the time.

107. Have you ever killed an animal? Hah. Yes. I come from a family of hunters.

108. Have you ever lost someone close to you? Olga. <3 R.I.P

109. What do you think of cloning? It’s ridiculous. Just have sex and stop looking for other ways to duplicate things!

110. Do you read or watch TV more often? Read, probably.

111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety? Not really. I think, whatever level we are at right now, is limiting us of enough freedoms for our “safety” as it is.

112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive? Let him spend his life in solitude prison. Killing him wouldn’t do anything.

113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body? My boobs have been named before, but I didn’t name them myself.

114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV? If I have, I don’t remember it.

115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes? In second grade I won one of those things for tickets to the Rugrats Movie from Lunchables. Then last year I won FOB tickets, but gave them to Lahni & Dave.

116. Have you ever won a contest or competition? Anything competition for bobbing for apples.

117. Do you like to watch The Joy of Painting show with Bob Ross (check out this link if you don't know who he is. Also please note me if you notice the link is broken) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Ross_(painter)? No thanks.

118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living? Grandparents on dads side – Salesman and Secretary.
Moms- Teacher and… something mechanical.
I don’t know about my great grandparents.

119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history? Mafia connections. Hell yes.

120. Is there anyone you trust completely? Dave. Ria. Marz.

121. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye? …yes.

122. How do you feel about women in politics? If that woman is Hillary Clinton, hell no.

123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool? Indoor Jacuzzi.

124. What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own? Dance. Cooking. Most classic novels.

125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent? More than most of the idiots that now ‘grace’ American streets.

126. Would you consider yourself to be wise? I’m not old enough to be wise.

127. Have you ever given or received a lap dance? Hahaha. Both. Hasn’t everyone?

128. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person? Sure. Bench Bob. Really, he was such a great man.

129. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring? Done it, but eh. It’s dangerous. Be careful.

130. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making some random person die 70 years sooner would you? No. I don’t want that much life. Give it to them. They can take the 70 from me.

131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics?

A: Nothing to kill or die for... And no religion too.

B: Late comings with the late comin' stretcher... that’s a body bag in disguise.

C: I could make a film and make you my star... Don’t know that one, sorry.

132. Were you ever with someone while they died? No.

133. Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star? Rock Star. They’re real. Political leaders are twofaced.

134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote? Hahaha. I think, Gianni Levato in 6^th grade?

135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail? Not that I remember.

136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now? Dave Matthews Band later this month.

137. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen? The Incredibles is love.

138. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving? U2, Prince, & Michael Jackson. Duh.

139. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished? Whoever developed chemotherapy.

140. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you? Actually have a brain and use it once in a while?

141. About how many emails do you get a day? 3, maybe.

How many of those emails are junk mail? 2. Hahah.

How many of them are forwards? None, but I consider that junk mail too.

142. What is your favorite thing to do online besides filling out surveys? Myspace/facebook.

143. Do you believe Kurt Cobain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Cobain) killed himself or was it a conspiracy? He killed himself. The evidence is there. Stop being ridiculous.

144. Have you ever thought about hitchhiking across the country? NO. I’m good, thanks.

145. Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip? Marz, of course.

146. Of the following, which word best describes you: accurate, bold,

charming, dependable – Charming.

147. If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married? If you are married, how old were you at the time? Mid to late 20s.

148. Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time you will ever see them? I try not to.

149. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out? I’m not looking forward to any currently.

150. What is your quest? I seek the Holy Grail. And my favorite color is green. =P

151. What is louder and more annoying: 200 adults talking or one four-year-old screaming? That damn 4 year old.

152. Do you believe the stories about planes, boats and people mysteriously disappearing into the Bermuda triangle? Yes. What are the chances that they are all coincidences? I mean, honestly…

153. Who are you the most jealous of? No one, really.

154. What is the happiest way you can start your day? Starbucks coffee and no one home.

155. Do you ever have moments where you feel like everything is all right in the world? Hopefully, I’ll have more of them this year than last.

156. Who thinks that you are offensive? Lots of people who take things too personally.

157. If you had to teach a class in something, what would you be able to teach people? Basic ballet. Thank you, speech class.

158. Have you ever had a spiritual experience (an experience that cannot be explained by science)? Not that I’m aware of.

159. Do you believe that this experience was truly mystical or do you think there is some scientific explanation for it, only you don't know what it is? N/A.

160. Do you get offended easily? I don’t think so.

161. Would you still love and stay with your significant other if he or she had to have a breast or testicle removed? Love isn’t about outward appearances. So, sure.

162. Do you believe in fate or free will? An equal level of both?

163. Do you believe that only boring people get bored? Typically

164. Can life change or are we all stuck in vain? Life can always change.

165. What changes are you afraid of? Any kind of serious relationship. Ouch.

166. Are you a day person or nocturnal? Nocturnal, totally.

167. What one CD could you listen to for an entire week (no mixed CD’s, it must be an album)? The White Album, of course.

168. Which is worse, working in retail, food service, or an office? Oh gosh. An office.

169. What's the coolest job you ever had? I don’t work.

170. What is one central idea that your thoughts seem to come back to? Is it what I want to do, or is it the RIGHT thing to do?

171. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/tress? Not really

172. If you had the power to control one person and make this person do anything you wanted for a whole day, who would you pick and what would they do? I couldn’t handle the pressure of controlling another human being AND myself.

173. What star sign are you and what is your sign like? Virgo. We’re very logical and down to earth. We like to help people.

174. Did the Blair Witch Project scare you? A bit. That’s creepy. But I love the idea of it.

175. Are you in constant fear of death? No.

176. Does fear of death keep you from building a life? Not a chance.

177. Do you like all your movies to be in wide-screen? Nope. Full screen.

178. Are you a fan of any comic books? Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

179. At what age did you attend your first funeral? 7.

180. What do you smell like (lotion, cologne, sweat)? Spearmint shampoo. Cocoa butter elsewhere.

181. What are your greatest sources for wisdom? Experience.

182. When you were little, where did your parents tell you babies come from? Uhm… “when a man and a woman…” You get the point.

183. What is your favorite band? Dave Matthews Band.

184. What's the best cheesy 80's song? Like A Virgin.

185. What's the best kind of movie to see on a date? Comedy. Everyone likes those.

186. Do you like to sit in the front, middle or back of the Movie Theater? Middle to back.

187. Have you ever been inside an abandoned building? Yep. =]

188. Under what circumstances would you agree to work for free? If food was provided.

189. Candles or strobe lights? Candles.

190. Do you think the Lord of the Rings movies are true to the books or did Hollywood change the story too much? I despise Lord of the Rings either way.

191. When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat? Friend, typically.

192. Is it natural for human beings to fear and distrust each other, or is it cultural? Natural, I think.

193. What do you really want to buy? A new phone.

194. You have to choose. Would you be happier marrying someone rich for their money or living in the streets and subway tunnels with someone you love? Love always comes before money.

195. If someone wanted to understand you what book could they read that would help? Right now? “It’s Kind of a Funny Story.”

196. Do you think it’s odd that Americans have freedom of religion and yet call themselves 'one nation under god'? No. It only is if God is capitalized. I guess it could represent other gods.

197. In what sense are you a minority? I don’t know. Can’t think of any.

198. Are you anti social? Some of the time.

199. Do you photograph well? No.

200. Do you think that human beings would survivor through a nuclear winter? Only the Russians.

201. Put these creatures in order from what you would least like to be reincarnated as (1), to what you would most like to be reincarnated as (10) assuming reincarnation ended up existing AND you were given a choice.

caterpillar, house dog, wild dog, vulture, male human, female human, oak tree, rock, manta ray, dolphin

1. Rock. 2. House dog. 3. Manta Ray. 4. Oak tree. 5. Vulture. 6. Caterpillar. 7. Wild Dog. 8. Dolphin. 9. Female human. 10. Male human.

202. What do you feel unworthy of? Second chances.

203. Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person? Doing something for humanity is more productive than being nice.

204. Which do you value more: science or intuition? Intuition

205. Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first? Best friend. Sorry, lover.

206. Does the universe revolve around human beings? No. The universe revolves on all of God’s creations.

207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish you still were? I am a virgin still, thank God.

208. Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now? Shel Silverstein.

209. What is your favorite song from the 90's? Shit, I don’t know.

210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be? X

211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.? Sure, why not? They have as much a right to exist as we do.

212. What makes you want to be someone’s friend? They don’t bullshit around. They can make me laugh in the first 10 minutes of talking to them.

213. Do you troll around the Internet harassing people anonymously for fun? Oooh. That sounds like fun, but I don’t.

214. Have you ever seen the movie A Man Who Fell to Earth? Nope.

215. What is your favorite line from a movie? “Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?” I couldn’t live without that line.

216. What's your favorite video game? Spyro. =P

217. Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours? Sure, from like…Marlene.

218. What is one phrase people say that irritates you? Anything involving the words “freshie” or “girlfriend.”

219. You allow strangers to read your diary, blog, and/or myspace, but would you let your parents read it? Hah. No. But I think they do…

220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower? Shower. Always.

221. Are you allergic to anything? Nope.

222. What is your favorite Terminator movie? None of the above, kay thanks.

223. What is your favorite fast food? Portillos.

224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again? It’s pretty rare. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten mad enough at someone enough to NEVER speak to them again.

225. Would (or have) you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed? Totally. =P

226. Have you ever said 'I hate everyone' and really meant it literally? Not meant it…

227. Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend? Because they’re dumb, corrupt individuals.

228. Have you ever won a carnival fish? Yeah. They die really quickly.

229. Did it live more than a week? Hahha. No.

230. What's the best sounding accent a person can have? Australian. Yum.

231. What's the most boring thing you've ever read? I don’t read boring things.

232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens? Touch screens.

233. Do you think there is a lot of similarity between the Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series? NO. They’re completely different. One is amazing, and one sucks more than anything in the world!

234. Would you consider yourself to be naive? No.

235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail? Dave. Haha.

236. What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it? Uh, nothing. EW.

237. Would you ever wear real fur? NO.

238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks? Arachnophobia all the way.

239. What are your feelings about police officers? The ones in Addison are boneheads.

240. What is your favorite line from a song? I really don’t have one…

241. Is fifty dollars a lot of money? Not enough.

242. Do you like the band Front 242 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Front_242)? Never heard of them.

243. Would you rather have fame, money, or self-satisfaction? Self-satisfaction.

244. What's your middle name? Elise.

245. What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars? …As little as I had to. Thank you, more Breakfast Club moments. =]

246. Are you good, evil or neutral? Evil.

247. Should ebonics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ebonics) be considered a language? It is a way of speech, so sure. Why not?

248. What color is your bedroom? Dads- white. Moms – light & dark blue.

What color would you like it to be? Mint green and purple.

249. When are you planning to move to a new home? Mom has been planning for a while.

250. If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be? Not that much. Most of my Dad’s stuff isn’t that valuable.

251. Do you blow your nose in public? Ew. I hate doing that. I feel so awkward.

252. Do you want to follow in your parent's footsteps? NO. Absolutely not.

253. What is the coolest web site you know of? Uhm, myspace. Duh.

254. Which cartoon would you most like to see turned into a movie? None. Movies ruin cartoons.

255. Of the following, which word best describes you: enthusiastic,

fair minded, generous, helpful = Helpful

256. Can you eat with chopsticks? Poorly.

257. Could you tell real money from counterfeit? That little line on it when you hold it up to the light, yeah?

258. What do you think about school uniforms? They make life soooo much easier.

259. What ancient civilization would you most like to visit? Greece. =]

260. What would make a great new Crayola color? Red Hot Asian.

261. If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does that cast doubt over its significance as a work of art? Completely.

262. If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration? Tony Bennett.

263. Who is the greatest philosopher of your country? We have great philosophers in America?

264. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? Look underwater.

265. Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child? Surprisingly, yes.

266. Who knows more...you, or your parents? Me. Of course.

267. What instrument would you like to be famous for playing? Cello.

268. Children fill its lungs completely with air. Adults breathe in a more shallow way, not filling their lungs completely. Why the change? Adults aren’t calm enough to breath normally.

269. Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars? Is the stranger attractive?

270. Are you completely in control of your body? No. Hah.

Are you completely in control of your mind? No way. Hahah.

271. Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittering bouquet OR flowers that were hand picked as they grew beside the parkway? Hand picked, of course.

272. Do you know yourself well enough to understand why you feel the way you do? For the most part, yes.

273. Which do you do more often: let movies, songs and books put your feelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself? Quotes help me explain myself.

274. Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product? Never.

275. What kind of movies do you wish were made more often? Truly Stephen King kind of scary movies.

276. Does fashion matter to you? To an extent.

277. Should politicians be held to the same legal standards as everyone else? Of course. Where do they get off with anything less?

278. What do you get in trouble for the most? Grades.

279. Should parents spank their kids? Yes!

280. What is your worst daily habit? Cracking my knuckles.

281. If you had your choice which one TV show would you have canceled? Lost.

282. Do you like the taste of sweet or salt? Salt.

283. Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts? No. It’s a series of “I don’t know” and “blehs” and “eeeeh!s”

284. What do you feel the most guilty about? Everything I do hurts someone…

285. Do you meditate? No.

286. Can dreams be visions, or do you feel they are always random images? Visions, sure.

287. Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way? I try to.

288. The thief _______ that everyone steals.

What verb would you fill in the blank with? “explained”

289. What's the most incredible experience you ever had? My last birthday. Thank you, JJ. <3

290. Are you ever afraid to write/say/think how you feel? Some of the time, but rarely.

291. Do you write/say/think it anyway or become intimidated and try to avoid it? Say it anyway. Who cares about my opinion anyway?

292. What is one thing you can't do? Raise one eyebrow.

293. Do you like movies starring Charleton Heston (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charleton_Heston)? Couldn’t name one.

294. Are you gentle? Normally.

295. When do you feel the most raw and vulnerable? When I’m explaining how I feel.

296. Are you trying to find yourself? Everyone is.

297. Where are you looking? Anywhere that shows promise.

298. Are you sometimes afraid of being honest because you are afraid of hurting people's feelings? Never. People should be confident enough in themselves to ignore my comments.

299. What would make you a stronger person? Confidence.

300. What book would you like to read sometime soon? The Scarlett Letter, again.

301. List 5 things you have not experienced that you would like to experience before you die.

A Dance in a famous company.

B Meet Mikhail Baryshnikov.

C Go on a cooking show.

D Graduate college.

E Have 5 kids.

302. Will you try to accomplish any of these things within the next year? Well, I’ll make my way closer to them.

303. What do you feel controlled by? The ‘system’. Whatever the hell that is.

304. If Jesus appeared to you and told you that the moon was made of green cheese would you believe him? Probably. Jesus doesn’t lie.

305. What is one thing you are sure of? The world goes on past my petty little problems.

306. At what part of the day do you feel the most alert? Between 10 pm and 1 am.

307. Have you ever played in a band? Nope.

308. Have you ever stared into the ocean thinking 'early creatures crawled outta that'? …Uhm, no.

309. If not, what do you think of when you are staring into the ocean? Eternity.

310. Do you like the mental challenge of chess or other games? Sure.

311. Do you ever think of where your atoms were before they were in you? They were in someone else. Not that difficult.

312. Do you ever think about where your atoms will go after they have been in you? To some cooler person.

313. If you didn't know that people couldn't fly do you think that you could? Probably not. I would try though.

314. Are you someone that others call when they're having a problem and want to talk about it? I like to think so.

315. When it comes to literature, do you see beyond the writing and into the meaning intended by the author? Typically, yes.

316. Is there anything you can take apart completely, and then put back together, and have no left over parts? Hahaha. Noooo.

317. What are your feelings about the death penalty? Against.

318. If there was a god and you could ask him/her one question what would it be? “What is the purpose you have intended for me in this lifetime?”

319. Do you believe that life will be found on other planets? Sure. Especially on Pluto. What a slap in the face that would be, to find life on Pluto now that it’s not a planet.

320. What is something worth suffering for? Success.

321. If you could put an extra eye on your body anywhere you wanted, where would you put it? Back of my head. I’d make a great mother.

322. Are you in touch with the earth and nature? Not enough.

323. Would you rather live simply or extravagently? Simply.

324. Have you ever been camping? Not really.. =/

325. Is your heart open when you meet someone new? No.

326. Are you able to have conversations with and become friends with people who are not like you and are interested in different things than you are? Sure. You always have at least ONE thing in common.

327. Are strangers more beautiful or frightening to you? Beautiful.

328. What stops you from doing everything you want to do? Questioning if I’m good enough.

329. Can you think of three adjective that do not apply to you at all? Closed-minded, bold, normal.

330. How do you feel about Jeremy Jaynes, who got a nine year prison sentence for spamming people with junk email (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Jaynes)? That’s so ridiculous.

331. Do you know who the current premier of China is? I have NO clue.

332. Are you very active? Physically? Sure.

333. Is there a city that reminds you of the landscape of your brain? L.A. Up, down, and shiny.

334. Have you ever loved someone who has loved you back? No, to be quite honest.

335. Is it really being 'in love with' someone if the other person doesn't love you? I think so. I think it’s significantly worse if they don’t love you back.

336. Do you believe that there is someone perfect for everyone or that people just fall in love with who ever they are with at the time? There are people picked out for everyone.

337. Do you know secret things? Not really.

338. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have? YES.

339. How do you overcome your fears? I don’t. I have a tendency to run away from them.

340. What can you do better than anyone you know? Nothing.

341. Would you benefit from a wilder existence? I doubt it.

342. Does it seem to you like the range of socially acceptable behavior is getting smaller or larger? Smaller.

343. Have you ever fired a gun? Yes.

344. Are people becoming more afraid of each other? Of course. Good reason to be too, with all the racism promoting fear of other people.

345. If you had to choose the percentage of freedom vs. safety what ratio would you decide on (ex: 100% free 0% safe)? 75 free, 25 safe.

346. Does safety stifle you? Doesn’t it stifle everyone?

347. Who or what needs to be stopped? Close minded individuals.

348. Are human beings becoming more domesticated? Less, certainly.

349. Do you follow the lives of the British Royal Family? Nah.

350. How did the death of Pope John Paul II (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_John_Paul_II) affect you? Not much. I’m not Polish enough.

351. Have you ever lost something and never found it? Various pieces of clothing.

352. Do you listen to any talk radio shows? Not really. Drex sometimes.

353. Who do you trust more, your friends or your parents? My friends.

354. Would you ever date someone outside of your race or religion? Sure. Why not?

355. Which of the 7 deadly sins in the worst (gluttony, greed, pride, lust, envy, wrath, sloth)? Wrath.

356. Which one are you most guilty of? Lust.

357. Are you afraid to be alone with yourself? Oh, that’s dangerous.

Do you try to avoid thinking? Sometimes.

358. Would you venture to tell someone you loved him or her if they didn't say it first? I’m always afraid that it’s going to ruin everything.

359. What are you the most sensitive about? My lack of success.

360. What can you talk about for hours? Dance.

361. Do you talk about yourself, other people, or ideas the most? Ideas.

362. Do you believe that spell casting can work? Sure. Who says it can’t?

363. Are you a fan of The Legend of Zelda games? Hahaha. I fail miserably at video games, but Zelda games are fabulous.

364. What old movie would you go see if it were re-released in the movie theaters? Rocky Horror.

365. Is there a celebrity that you would be too starstruck to talk to if you met them? I don’t think I would ever get starstruck.

366. Have you ever left a mean anonymous comment or unsigned note? Don’t think so.

367. What kind of myspace buletins annoy you the most? “Repost, or a man will come in your sleep and kill you.” Stfu, idiots. Get a clue.

368. What are three things that you try not to think about?
1. Love.
2. Bad friendships.
3. The possibility of failure.

369. Is casual sex acceptable for you? No.

370. What form of sexual protection do you use? Haven’t had the chance to use any.

371. What is expected of you that you feel is unnatural or not right? That just because I’m smart, I should be the top of my class.

372. Do you sometimes place your own expectations on other people? It’s a bad habit. I’m hypercritical.

373. Do you sometimes act overeager to make friends when you are around strangers? I don’t think so. Maybe though.

374. Do you take everything that is said literally? No.

375. Do you take most things others say seriously? Nah.

376. Do you have a quick wit? Some days.

377. Do you believe in the need for political correctness? What?! No way.

378. Do you have strong opinions and beliefs? Yes.

379. If yes, can you still hang out with and be friends with people who disagree with you? Sure. Good debate partners.

380. Are you uptight? I can be.

381. Do you sometimes do risky things? Rarely.

382. Could just about anyone hold your interest in a conversation for at least ten minutes? No. Depends on if they’re actually interesting.

383. Are you self-conscious? Too.

384. What would be your ideal destination for a Saturday afternoon? Downtown, to the harbor. =]

385. Does anyone have a video tape of you doing soemthing embaressing? Magen has a video of me dancing in the bathroom and then falling into the bathtub.

386. What is Kevin Smith’s(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Smith) best movie? Couldn’t tell ya one.

387. Where do you like to go on Friday or Saturday nights? Dance class. I’m lame.

388. Do you like your friends to act the same way all the time or do you accept their moods and changes? Moods and changes are completely understandable.

389. Do you often feel like other people are judging you? No.

390. What do you think other people judge you to be like? I really don’t care what they think I am. They can think what they want.

391. Are you quick to judge others? I try hard not to.

392. When you have a fight with someone do you want to talk about it right away or calm down first and then talk? Calm down and then talk.

393. Some say love is a river (according to the old song). What do you say love is? Bliss.

394. What is the worst fault a person can have? Lack of manners.

395. Do you have it? No, but I have a lot more faults.

396. Which do you think has more impact on a person’s character, genetics or environment? Environment.

397. Who was your first best friend? Either Cole Keutzer or Nicole Middleton.

398. If you are not best friends anymore, what came between you? I’m still friends with them, I just don’t live by them anymore.

399. Who have you read a biography about? The last biography I read was for Fred Astaire.

400. What would your own autobiography be called? Confusion in Motion: Clair Belmonte’s movement through life and it’s lessons.

401. Some say that high school is the best time of your life. Was that true for you? I’m only on my second year.

402. What do you find yourself encouraging others to try? I don’t know.

403. Which is better: Mel Brooks or Woody Allen? Woody Allen.

404. When was the last time you were up all night? 3 nights ago, I think.

405. __ is life. The rest is just details. Fill in the blank. …Happiness!

406. Are people too complex and different to be categorized? Yes. I could never categorize myself.

407. Is it good to have pride in your own race or does that separate people from each other because it makes them think of everyone else as 'outsiders'? Pride is good, but not excessive pride.

408. What fictional story would you like to live through? “How To Kill A Rockstar.”

409. Are cats or dogs smarter? Cats.

410. Have you ever guessed someone's password and broken into their email/diary/blog/myspace? No, but someone has done it to me.

411. What teacher, if any, has effected you the most in your life? Ms. Mezyk.

412. Are you more easily bored or excited? Excited.

413. What's the bravest or most daring thing you have ever done? I’m not brave enough.

414. "What's the point of robbery when nothing is worth taking?" (- Adam Ant) There is none, of course.

415. If your man or woman served you breakfast in bed as a treat what would you want to eat? Them. =P Hahaha, no. Uhm… cinnamon raisin toast, 2 sunnyside up eggs, and coffee.

416. What do you do only when you are upset? Ignore people.

417. What's the oddest CD in your collection? Michelle Branch. So doesn’t fit. Never opened, either.

418. What's the best screen name you ever saw? PB and CRACKwich. Totally. Zack, you’re amazing.

419. What would your friends be surprised to learn about you? I’d rather stay in on a Saturday night than go out and party.

420. Who owes you an apology? A handful of people I’m not mentioning here. They know.

421. Who deserves an apology from you? Not enough people deserve them.

422. How would you like to treat your kids differently from the way your parents treated you? Uhhh, I would actually be responsible and take care of my kids, not force all the responsibility on the eldest.

423. Which do you like best: 60's, 70's or 80's fashion? 80’s. =] It was fabulous and random and colorful.

424. What is the worst pick up line ever used on you? Used on me? I’m lucky enough that I don’t get them used to me. The worst one I’ve heard though? ‘Did you fart, because you just blew me away.’

425. Of the following, which word best describes you: inventive, kinetic (energetic), light-hearted, mature = Mature.

426. Do you own a record player? You know it.

Do you use it? Every once in a while. My Dad’s got some great old records.

427. How easily do you make friends? Relatively easily. I just don’t really keep them.

428. What is the difference between having character and being a character? Having character pertains to real personality. Being a character means you have so much personality that you almost seem fake or unreal.

429. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch? Nah, why would I?

430. Do you care about your weight? Maybe a little bit too much. =/

431. Did you/will you go to the prom? I’m not sure yet. I might not. I’m really not into that sort of thing most of the time.

432. Have you ever wanted to date twins? Fred and George, because I’m all Harry Potter-tastic like that. That would be amazing.

433. What one thing would you change about high school if you could? Make it go faster. Hahah.

434. If you came with a warning label, what would it say? Warning: Extremely dangerous to men. Can be bitchy and can crush all dreams with a single sentence. A little too straightforward. Doesn’t care about what other people think.

435. Are you artistic and creative? Not specifically.

436. What were you (probably) doing on this date last year? The summer reading that was due the first day of school. Reading Jane Eyre.

437. What are you obsessed with? Coffee. That’s probably my worst obsession.

438. What was the last compliment you received? Tom told me that I was the sweetest and most beautiful girl ever.

439. Do you have any brothers or sisters? One younger brother. Brian.

440. Who would you like to be alone with right now? Brandon. Though, not even alone with him, specifically. I would just love to be with him.

441. Do you push people away when you really want them to come closer? I tend to push people away either way.

442. Is a prenuptial agreement necessary or does it take the romance and trust out of marriage? Completely removes all trust. Only people with something to lose need prenups. I’d be willing to give everything to the man I married. Therefore, what do I have to lose?

443. Do you lie your way out of things? No. I’m a terrible liar. I might’ve lied to my parents to get out of some extra trouble, but never enough to walk away without battle wounds.

444. Are you better at talking or listening? Listening, I think. Most of the time.

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 02:11:45 GMT

So I haven't written in a long while, and I really need to get back into it.
I wish I could go over everything that has happened since I last wrote, but that would take A LOT of effort, considering that was back in June. Back when it got people mad at me when I spoke my mind. But that's okay, shit happens, right?

First of all, I'll talk about today before I discuss what has happened in the past and what you all have missed, non-existant readers of my livejournal.
Today, I woke up at 8. Nothing other than the usual. Ate raisin toast and called Ria to see if she wanted to go to the beach with me, but she wasn't feeling good.
Therefore, I didn't take her.
We left at about 10 to get up to Michigan, Bridgton. Weko Beach. Which is only different from every other beach in the sense that it's significantly less crowded and cute boys frequent it much less. Disappointment? Not really. I wasn't really looking.
Also, it's literally blocks down from Aunt Grace's, Nonna's sister. They're close. We see Aunt Grace often. She's a lovely woman. Makes fabulous speghetti.

Anyway, I layed around the beach for about 5 hours. Got a damn nice tan too. It would've been nice if I had been smart enough to turn over and tan my back. However, some of us just arn't that naturally intelligent. Haha.
There's a distinct line too. Where it's tan and where it's not. Gross. Hahaha.
I have about four different tanlines, thanks. =P

For the most part, I just spent time with my Dad and Brian. You know how good it feels to have good family? I realize too often that I take them for granted.
Walking along the beach, I called my Brandon too. Just to put a smile on my face. Just to hear his voice. Heh.
Oh. You don't know about him yet. I'll get there. =]

Anyway- then I came home and kept my little cousin busy.
And... nothing else.
And I'm fine with that.
=]

Yesterday, Dave, Majed, Albert and I all went to Woodfield and Elijahs. [this AMAZING little coffee shop across the street from the bank.]
They're obnoxious, but all three of them make my life.
The drive there was especially fun. And then when Albert and I tried on the straightleg guy pants at Urban Outfitters.
We're amazing.
Either way, the whole day was overall pretty damn awesome. Though, Dave didn't teach me to play whatever game he intended on showing me. Way to go, loser. Haha.
That's okay. I had fun anyway.
But I miss Mom. She's gone away to school for flight attendants. She's going to do amazing, but she's not so convinced. Dave and I believe in her though. I'm sure everyone else does too.
I want another one of those white caramel chocolate lattes from Elijahs. =] Yummmm.
And I'm so annoyed that I had to leave so early yesterday. I wanted to stay with them. Hmph. But it was astounding that Dad let me out in the first place, so I'm not complaining.

By the way, I've spend the last week and a half at my dad's. Coming home the 20th, I think.
School starts the 21st.
And this is going to be a kickass year. I just know it.

Along with that, ballet has been going well.
Exceeding in pointework. I'm well on my way.
=] Yesssss.

Everything just seems to be ideal currently, doesn't it?
Pretty much.

My brother has to go to bed. =/
I'll definitely get to Brandon later though.

Goodnightttttt.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 04:41:02 GMT

I miss him. A LOT. Like, it's really starting to hurt.
I want to talk to him, but I really can't. He's busy having fun.

Although, I had a good day today.
Dad and I went shopping,
Went out to an early dinner,
Watched Bruce Almighty,
The new season of The Dead Zone started tonight,
And I got to see Katie Kamide and talk to her for a while.

She's such a doll.
I kind of missed her too, to be honest.
I never thought I would. I mean, we always got along, but we were never really 'close.'
But it was good to see her.

PLUS, Alex is selling her Speech book to me.
Awesomeeeee. Save $10. I could buy a few pairs of Target flip flops with that.
Hopefully we won't need the health book.
Oh, so did I mention that summer school starts tomorrow?
Ick.
And goes until the end of July.

My pants are too big for me.
Just in case you were wondering.
Damn you Hollister and your bigness and smallness.
It's so ridiculous. A 3 makes my thighs look like tree trunks, but then 5s are baggy and bunch up.
What. The. Hell.
How silly. But the sales guy was certainly a cutie. Got a chance to flirt with him. =]
Should've gotten HIS number.
Of course, Dad had a bit of a problem because he was black. That's so dumb. But whatever.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.
Marz, if you call me back, I'm sorry to tell you that I'm sleeping.
But call anyway if you need to. I'll try and wake up for you.
<3

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 22:33:16 GMT

Father's day was good.
I gave him his present, we watched Corky Romano,
Went to Woodfield and went shopping,
And out to an early dinner.

Anyway. I'm bored. More surveys.

How old will you be in 10 months?
Fifteen

Do you think you'll be married by then?
Oh gosh. Not a chance.

What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months?
Dance at Lou Conte? Heck yes.

Who was the last person to call you?
Marlene.

Who was the last person you called?
Amanda

Do you prefer to call or text?
Texting. Always.

Do you have any pets?
Sableeeee, my kitten.

What were you doing at 12am last night?
Sleeping, surprisingly.

Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced.

What medicines do you take every day?
None.

How many states have you lived in?
Only Illinois.

How many cities/towns have you lived in?
Addison and Chicago.

Do you prefer shoes, socks or bare feet?
Bare feet. All the time.

Are you a social person?
Somedays.

Are you happy?
Happy? Well, I can't complain..

Do you have a temper?
It rarely gets unleashed.

What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Red Raspberry. Who eats anything different?

Do you like coffee?
More than anyone could ever understand.

How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average?
Not enough.

What do you drink in the morning?
Milk.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
With someone.

What side of the bed do you usally sleep on?
Usually the left.

Do you like to cuddle?
Duh. Not a lot though. And only with one person. <3 Otherwise, it's not good enough.

Have you ever been to Canada?
Chyep.

Have you ever flown?
Mmhm.

Do you prefer the ocean or a pool?
Lake. That's the experience I get most.

Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Aisle. Then I can talk to everyone around me.

Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
Do I know how to drive well? No.

What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Underwear or bikinis.

Do you wear any jewelry 24/7
Normally my cross, but it broke. My ring.

Can you roll your tongue?
Mmhm.

Who is the funniest person you know?
My life is filled with funny people.

Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
No. I should though. I have so many.

What is the main ring tone on your phone?
Sex & The City.

Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
I'm sure my Mom does somewhere.

Do you shut off the water while you brush your teeth?
Yeah.

Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed?
Closed.

Have you ever had physical therapy?
Nope.

Do you have a gym membership?
No. Eeesh.

Do you flirt alot?
I used to. Now I'm kinda too shy.

Strange Questions...

Be ready to laugh-
this may just be the most random survey you've ever taken!!!

1. What is your best friend's Dad's name?
I have no idea. For pretty much any of them. Don't know Marz's or Ria's, Dave's is David, Magen's is Al.

2. What body part do you hate?
Noses. They take up half your frikkin face.

3. Who was the hottest teacher you ever had?
I don't have hot teachers. What the hell, man?

4. Have you ever made out in a basement?
Yeahhh.

5. What body part do you wash first in the shower?
Feet.

6. Do you have any piercings?
Ears. Boring.

7. Do you have any tattoos?
Tattoos arn't my thing.

8. Is your driveway steep?
It's flat.

9. What's your favorite flavored Pringles?
Salt and Vinegar

10. Have you ever been tied up?
Nah.

11. What was the worst thing you ever got grounded for?
I get grounded for ridiculous things and then my parents forget like... 2 days later..

12. Have you ever had two dates in one night?
No.

13. How many times have you been cursed at?
Too many times.

14. Which shoe do you put on first?
Left.

15. How old are you?
14.

16. Have you ever been to a gay bar?
Nope. But I totally would.

17. Have you ever had any Friends with Benefits?
Heh. Yeah.

18. Is there one thing all of the times you have been in love have had in common?
Dude, I've only fallen in love once.

19. Did you French kiss before you were 16?
Yeah. Try before I was 10.

20. Have you ever been cow-tipping or snipe-hunting?
No. But I'm dying to go cow-tipping.

21. Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
Him. <3

22. Have you ever had a song written about you?
Yes. =]

23. If you had to choose to not ever wash your bed sheets or your towel ever again, which would you choose?
Towel. It only touches me when I'm clean anyway.

24. Have you ever found anything in your parents' bedroom that was questionable?
Hahah. Yes.

25. What was your childhood nickname?
Clair Bear. Things don't change much.

26. When is the last time you played the air guitar?
Pssh. In the car, earlier.

27. Have you ever peeked in the opposite sex's locker room?
Duh. Everyone has.

28. What's the weirdest thing you have done while driving?
I don't drive.

29. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
I'm sure I have. I know I'm physically able to.

30. How do you normally eat your Oreo cookies?
Oreos are no good.

31. Name something you do when your same sex friends aren't around?
I dunno. Flirt?

32. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?
Haha. That depends on what you're drinkin.

33. Why are you doing this survey?
Boredom.

34. What was the best year of your life?
3rd grade. However old I was then.

35. Any strange phobias?
Clowns. Unicorns.

36. Have you ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
Don't think so...

37. whens the last time you threw up?
Last month.

38. Have you ever called your love interest by another girl/guys name?
Not to my memory.

39. Have you ever gotten caught sleeping while on a date?
No.

40. Have you ever played naked Twister?
No.

41. Have you ever been drunk at work/school?
No.

42. How many Kali's do you know?
One.

I have been:

a child

a daughter

a sister

a friend

a dancer

a member of the choir

a soloist

a thief

a liar

a confidant

a mother

a bitch

an Angel

Mean without reason

Hurt without cause

a smoker

a nurse

a wife

a daydreamer

a bride

a cleaning lady

a chauffer

a traveler

a writer

a poet

a reader

a diarist

unfairly accused

jealous

a customer service representative

depressed

melodramatic

spiritual

aggressive

sultry

sexy

cute as a button & ugly as sin

bald

a dominatrix

submissive

vanilla

silly

naive

bankrupt

loyal

abused

neglected

to every state except alaska

an aunt

mistaken for a man

an online game moderator

a photographer

a slob

in therapy

scared of the dark

intimidating and intimidated

maniacal

despondent

patriotic

to disneyworld

to the funeral of someone who was too young to die

inside a sex club

weepy

melancholy

understanding, misunderstanding, understood & misunderstood

comforted

to the edge of my sanity

I have...

commited random acts of kindness

cried without comfort

offered comfort to both friends & strangers

had evil thoughts

had more lovers than I'd like

driven too fast

danced too hard

drank too much

laughed too loud

said stupid shit

swore like a sailor

gossiped

committed adultery

left the scene of an accident

depended on the kindness of strangers

been to the abortion clinic [not for myself.]

had more than one lover in my bed at the same time

talked behind the back of a friend

been talked about by a friend

smoked marijuana

taken speed or acid

cheated on tests

danced in the rain

made love in a pond under a full moon

watched a meteor shower from a waterbed in the middle of a field

cared for orphaned animals

danced in the moonlight

cared for the dying

gotten hopelessly lost in chicago

stood on the edge of a cliff

made prank phone calls

played practical jokes

suffered from road rage

shared secrets to my daughter

made friends with people I've never seen

had a crush on a girl

watched XXX rated movies

searched for internet porn

smoked in the boys room

Gained and lost 50 lbs at least 3 times

had an unrequited love

written letters I never intended to send

sent letters I wish I'd never written

hated

loved

been loved

won a most improved bowler award

seen a UFO

acted like an idiot

misbehaved

fallen off a horse

been strong

flirted with strangers

ridden a mini bike

got lost in the woods

thought bigfoot was following me

had phone sex

read cheesy love stories

Shared a hot tub with naked strangers

broken someone's heart

had my heart broken

had cancer

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 02:41:37 GMT

The lighting down in the basement makes my tan look really dark.
And the iTunes Download of the Week totally sucked.
I was really disappointed.

Wednesday-
1. Went to Tom's house.
2. IHOP w/ Tom.
3. Walking & Ice cream later
4. Dunkin Donuts with Amanda V.
5. Dress Rehersal pt. 2

Thursday-
1. Foster St. beach with Kyli and other Northside kids.
2. Dance pictures.

Friday-
1. Breakfast at Dunkin Donuts with Amanda B.
2. Dance pictures ALL DAY.
[Cute guy at McDonalds & Vee's new hitch.]

Saturday [today]-
1. Cubs Gameeeeeeee! =D We lost 1-0 to the Padres, but there was a kickass bench-clearing brawl. It was great.
2. Dinner with Nonna and Daddy for Fathers Day at Tong's Tiki Hut.

As you can tell, I've been quite busy.
Honestly, I don't want to be this busy.
I just don't want to think about how he's not here.
They're camping until Tuesday. I should be with them. I'm not.
And he's with her. And I bet they're having a great time together.
Which is great for them. They don't deserve any less. =]
[I just hope he's thinking of me. Just a little.]

I miss him.
I want him to come home. I want to run into his arms and hug him and kiss him.
Remind him that there was someone at home, waiting for him, loving him,
While he was off having fun on the beach.
But, I won't. I'm not going to act all loving and ridiculous. I'm going to act like I barely even noticed he was gone.
That's what I want my true reaction to be. But,until I get to that stage, faking it will have to do.

Speaking of stage, dress rehersal was absolute hell, considering I know NONE of my dances.
So, we'll see how recital goes next week. Eeesha.
Dance stuff is invading my week all this week.
I'm at the Academy every day except Wednesday.
And Wednesday, I have my first class at LOU CONTE.
I'm super excited.
Jazz & Ballet. =]]]
Oh my gosh. This Wednesday is going to make my life.

Also, starting Monday,
I'm going to have summer school for speech and health.
Exciting. =[
But at least I only have till one. And I get Fridays off.

We'll see how this summer works out.

I won't actually have time to live.
But, that's okay,
Who needs a life anyway?

Also, I got kicked out of IB Chem and English,
But hopefully my Daddy will change that.
=/
I'm smart! Really, I am!

New bikini came, so that's an upside.
And Kyli's birthday is in 2 days!
=D

I'm counting down the days until he's back with me.
I've forgiven him. I've forgiven myself.
This break was good,
But I want it over with.
Hopefully everything will be back to normal.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 07:21:32 GMT

Random iPodness!

our Early Years
Your mother finds out she's pregnant with you: Leave Me Lying Here - Veruca Salt [I frikkin love this song.]
You're just chillin in the womb: Dignity & Money - Straylight Run
Your birth: Government Flu - Dead Kennedys
First words: Skin Reciever - Melissa Auf Der Maur
First steps: Sleep - Imogen Heap
You're finally potty trained: Don't Call It A Come Back - Motion City Soundtrack
First pet: Michelle - The Beatles
First day of school: Oi Oi Oi - Dropkick Murphys
First best friend: I Guess This Is Growing Up - Blink182
First crush: Tainted Love - INXS [Oh gosh, I thought love was tainted already? Haha.]
Graduating elementary school: Sugar We're Goin Down - Fall Out Boy [I have this on my iPod?]

Not A Little Kid Anymore
First day of middle school: Foxy Foxy - Rob Zombie
Your first pet dies: Slow Decay - Dashboard Confessional [That fits a bit. Sick.]
Your first boyfriend/girlfriend: Pretty Fly - The Offspring [Oh my gosh. THIS is what my first relationship amounts to?!]
Your first kiss: Free Bird - Lynard Skynard [This is such a perfect song to have your first kiss to. Your first ANYTHING to, basically. <3]
You think you're in love: Sweet Emotion - Aerosmith
Your first break up: Are You In? - Incubus
You think you'll never move on: Wheels On The Bus - Raffi [That's amazing. Hahaha. Score for little kids songs!]
First day of high school: How Long - Hinder
You get a crush on a hottie: Trippin - Godsmack
The hottie asks you out: She Loves You - The Beatles
Date with the hottie: All In The Suit That You Wear - Stone Temple Pilots
You and the hottie are in love: Con Te Parito - Andrea Bocelli
You lose your innocence (to the hottie of course): Lonely People - Augustana
Your senior prom: In My Daughters Eyes - Martina McBride [...awkwarddddddd.]
Graduation day: Time - Pink Floyd [=D]

You're All Grown Up Now
Hottie proposes marriage: What We've Become - Just Surrender
You go out partying: Embers And Envelopes - Mae
Your drinking song: Call N' Return - Hellogoodbye
Your getting high song: Don't Wake Me Up - The Hush Sound
Your wedding day: Hotel Yorba - The White Stripes
Honeymoon: I Want To Know You More - Sonicflood
You catch Hottie cheating: Dream A Little Dream - Carly Simon
You and the love of your life (Hottie) break up: Running Out Of Time - Hot Hot Heat
You try to kill yourself: Postcards - Amber Pacific
You move on: She's So High - Fastball
Life is OK again: Last Resort - Papa Roach

If Your Life Was A Science-Fiction/Fantasy Movie
You're kidnapped by a beast: I Like To Move It, Move It [that obnoxious techno song everyone knows?]
You fall in love with a criminal: Aeroplane - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Eat a posion apple: If I Ever Leave This World Alone - Flogging Molly
Ballroom dancing: The Winner Takes It All - ABBA
Lose your glass slipper: Losing My Religion - REM
Flying to Neverland: The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows - Brand New
Meet Michael Jackson in Neverland: The Restless - The Matches [Ahahaha.]
You're a mermaid/merman: A Little Less Conversation - Elvis Presley
You get magical powers: The Logical Song - Supertramp [Ahh! Irony.]
You're sailing on a pirate ship with Jack Sparrow: Certainty Kills - My American Heart
Your magical battle with the Dark Lord: Another One Bites The Dust - Queen. [Hehe.]
You go on a spaceship: Then You Really Might Know What It's Like - Everclear
Meeting aliens: So Long, Astoria - The Ataris
You're a ninja: Eight Days a Week - The Beatles.
You're a Pokemon master: Outside - Ronnie Day.
You defeat your life-long rival: The Very Thought of You - Billie Holiday

Emotions
Happy: Intermission - Panic! At The Disco
Sad: When The Stars Go Blue - Tim McGraw
Mad: I Dig A Pony - The Beatles.
Whimsical: Hey You - Pink Floyd
Excited: Please Tell Me Why - Blink182
Crazy: Spanish Castle Magic - Jimi Hendrix
Hungry: My Life Inside Your Heart - Rise Against
Thirsty: That Special Girl - The Ataris
Horny: I'd Rather - Luther Vandross
In love: Your Call - Secondhand Serenade
Calm: Mercedes Benz - Janis Joplin
Tired: Not Alone - Augustana

Coming To An End
You're dying: Angels With Even Filthier Soul - Hawthorne Heights
In your death bed: Surfing Song - Blink182
Your funeral: So Beautiful - Savage Garden
You're in heaven: Heaven Is A Place On Earth - The Bangles [Hahah. Yay for fittingness!]
You're chillin with God: Writing On The Walls - Underoath
God kicks you out of heaven: Break Me Out - Trapt
You go to hell: Drunk Kid Catholic - Bright Eyes
You spend eternity suffering: Baby, It's A Fact - Hellogoodbye
You make a deal with the devil: Emo Kid - Adam & Andrew
You become the co-owner of hell: The Long Run - The Eagles
Everything turned out okay: Song of the Heart - Prince

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 06:43:03 GMT

Mom wouldn't let me go to dance because I was being irrespectful to her friend last night.
I didn't even say anything! I just left them alone!
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do.
She's such an idiot. I can't stand her.
My mom, not her friend.
Tori's nice.
How did my mother get nice friends when she's such a bitch?
Sounds like me, right? Hah.

So, today-
Marz and I went and played a little tennis.
I cut my hand serving [?] although I'm not sure how.
It still kind of stings, but I'll live.
No one else in the world keeps bandaids in their house. [-cough- Dave and Alex, maybe? -cough-]
How messed up.

Then we went back to the house, layed around and watched Degrassi.
And had a bit to drink, since I was feeling down.
I'm tempted to pull the Absolut out again,
But I had enough. I shouldn't want more.
It put me in a worse mood than I was when I started,
So it didn't do it's job very well.

I guess, to a point, I kind of miss drinking.
For a long time, it was such a big part of how I acted and who I was.
The whole drinking experience and stopping myself when I did changed me a lot.
With my whole crazy obnoxious stage and all that false outgoingness.
I don't know what I am now.
Shy and quiet. Really different. Calm, not as emotional.
Well, this weekend I saw my old self.
The drinking. The emotion. The jealousy.
I guess it never fully goes away, does it? People never fully change.
It's been hidden for a long time now.
Emotions keep on bottling themselves up.
And then it bursts. And so do tears. And the urge to drink, apparently.

We got in another argument earlier today,
Which I totally caused. I knew it, too. I was just still pissed and bitchy.
But I couldn't help it. You know?
He gave me such an oppurtunity. I've learned just what buttons to push to piss him off, and when I'm mad, they're easy to push.
And then I feel guilty right afterwards.
But I keep going. I don't know why.

Anyway, we went walking.
And, to a point, it was kind of awkward.
But we just talked. And it calmed me down a bit.
I was kind of upset prior.
But, honestly- just being with him made me sorry for everything.
Looking at him, I just wanted to hug him and cry.
But somehow, I felt too forward.
And insecure about crying.
He seemed so distant. It hurt. Badly. But I'll live.

I will live. I have before.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 06:02:17 GMT

I'm not sure everything in my head is straight enough to write yet, so I'll do a survey and an entry after.

Say the first ones that come to mind.

10 Animals
10. Tiger
9. Hamster
8. Polar Bear
7. Giraffe
5. Rat
4. Dog
3. Ferret
2. Rabbit
1. Horse

9 Songs
9. Rosetta Stone - Noisettes
8. Sex on the Beach - Vengaboys
7. Live & Let Die - The Beatles
6. Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
5. Let's Never Go To Sleep - Action Action
4. I've Done Everything For You - Rick Springfield
3. When Doves Cry - Prince
2. Devils and Angels - Toby Lightman
1. Holy Water - Big & Rich

8 Movies
8. The Breakfast Club
7. The Matrix
6. Phantom of the Opera
5. Rent
4. The Princess Bride
3. Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
2. The Incredibles
1. Bruce Almighty

7 Cities
7. Chicago, Illinois
6. Atlanta, Georgia
5. Miami, Florida
4. St. Louis, Missouri
3. Las Vegas, Nevada
2. Portland, Oragon
1. Boston, Massachusetts

6 Websites
6. Myspace
5. Livejournal
4. Xanga
3. Aol
2. Neopets =D
1. Dictionary

5 Junk Foods
5. Chips
4. Cookies
3. Brownies
2. Chocolate
1. Gold Fish. =[

4 Stores
4. H&M
3. Hollister
2. Hot Topic
1. Target

3 Flowers
3. Daffodils
2. Orchids
1. Lillies

2 Best Friends
2. Marlene
1. Dave

1 Color
1. Green

1 Addiction
1. Dance

2 Public Places
1. Mall
2. IHOP

3 Bands
1. Cartel
2. Metallica
3. Dave Matthews Band

4 TV Shows
1. Law & Order SVU
2. Scrubs.
3. Greys Anatomy
4. Degrassi

5 Youtube Videos
1. Anything Daniil Simkin
2. Dane Cook
3. Monty Python Skits
4. Music Videos
5.

6 Things You're Wearing
1. Dance Academy shirt
2. Shorts
3. Pink strapless bra
4. Blue & white checkered underwear.
5. Ring, as always
6. Two hairties: one pink and one green&white striped.

7 Things In Your Purse
1. iPod
2. Camera
3. Money - $37.84
4. Deoderant
5. Keys
6. Perfume
7. Sharpie

8 Cartoon Characters
1. Bloo
2. Scooby
3. Johnny Bravo
4. Zim
5. Wanda
6. Cartman
7. Mickey Mouse
8. Winnie the Pooh

9 Magazines
1. Rolling Stone
2. Sports Illustrated
3. Seventeen
4. Cosmogirl
5. Lucky
6. Spin
7. Elle
8. Vogue
9. Allure

10 Celebrities
1. Meg Ryan
2. Ben Stiller
3. Jennifer Aniston
4. Tom Cruise
5. Molly Ringwald
6. Danial Clark
7. Shane West
8. Brad Pitt
9. Hillary Swank
10. Morgan Freeman

L A B E L S

Underline those that apply to you.

-=-Outcast-=-
You dont have very many friends.
Often times, teachers forget your name.
You were always picked last for kickball.
You don’t like to talk a lot.
You tend to avoid mass social activities (i.e.- dances, ice cream socials, football games, etc.)
You dont participate in any extracurricular activities.
All you wish for is to move away or get a fresh start.
Your friends have blown you off before.
You sit alone in most of your classes.
You have a feeling that once you leave high school or college, nobody is going to remember you.
You hold interest in activities that other people find strange.
You have a large sexual background.
People dont find you friendly.
You hold extreme hate towards another high school stereotype.
You eat alone at lunch.
Total = four

-=-Party Girl/Boy-=-
Lets face it: you like to party.
You party every other weekend.
Or every weekend?
You've been going to frat house parties since early high school.
You're the defending beer bong champion.
You know the best hook-ups in the state.
Everybody whos anybody goes to the same parties you go to.
You've hooked up at parties.
You spend time getting ready for parties.
You've passed out from being too drunk.
You've partied all night.
You've snuck out of the house to party.
Actually, your parents really dont give a shit if you party or not.
You're pretty much nocturnal.
You like to go clubbing.
You and your friends always party hop.
You've crashed a party before.
One way or another, you've wound up naked in front of everybody at a party.
You've thrown up from drinking too much.
You've done something that you regret at a party.
You can dance.
You're friends with a lot of people older than you.
Total = Ten

-=-Scene Kid-=-
You know what sXe and hXc actually mean.
You have a obsession with dinosaurs, robots, or Pokemon.
You idolize Jeffree Starr
People have called you scene before.
You spend at least an hour getting ready to take pictures of yourself for your myspace.
You have a mirror pic.
You listen to bands that most people have never heard of.
You enjoy going to shows.
You only go to shows for the sake of going to shows, not the music.
Your hair is multicolored.
You accessorize your hair with kiddie barrettes and bows.
Fashion is one of the most important things that define you.
You mosh.
You often mix vintage with modern.
Your myspace picture captions are sad lyrics to sad songs.
All of your friends are scene.
You dont know many of the people on your friends list in person: you just added them because they were scene.
You take angled pictures of yourself.
You enjoy photography.
Total = Six

-=--=-Prep-=--=-
You pop the collar
You wont go near the Goths
You own at least one thing from a designer store.
You are very clean cut.
You are squeamish.
People have called you preppy before.
You never leave the house without putting on cologne/perfume
You have a lot of money.
You know who LC is.
You watch shows like The OC, The Real World, The Hills, and Laguna Beach.
One favorite stores are Abercrombie & Fitch or American Eagle Outfitters.
Youre afraid to set foot into Hot Topic.
(Girls) You carry a purse wherever you go.
You will not take alcohol straight up.
You need to wake up at least an hour before school so you can get ready.
(Girls) You do not leave the house without make up.
You are content overall with how your life is going.
You constantly text.
Total = Six

-=--=-Band Geek-=--=-
You have played an instrument before.
You still play an instrument.
You are/were in regular Band.
You are/were in Jazz Band.
You are/were in Marching Band
You've never dated anybody outside of Band.
Most of your friends are in band.
The band room/band hall is your second home.
You enjoy listening to classical music on occasion.
You aspire to be a Drum Major.
You've made out with somebody on a band bus or at a band competition.
You have trouble getting your non-band friends to go near the band room.
Band is your favorite class.
You have been to band camp.
You walk in step with all your friends.
You talk about band constantly.
You know that American Pie has got it all wrong.
You hate rap music.
Marching Season is your favorite time of year.
When you go to football games, you dont really pay attention to the game itself.
Your favorite jokes are band jokes.
You know it's not about the bloods and the crips: it's the brass and the woodwinds.
Total = Four

-=-Thespian-=-
You have seen a school play.
You have seen a Broadway musical
You like to act.
You have participated in a school play.
You have participated in a play outside of school.
You have gone to the Thespian Conference (State or International or both)
You get pissed off when people make that thespian, did you say lesbian? joke.
You have done tech.
You know that you cannot touch anybody elses props.
You have played in the pit orchestra for a musical.
You have been to a cast party.
You are in a thespian troupe.
You often sing show tunes at the top of your lungs.
You know who Idina Menzel and Johnathan Larson are.
At one point in your life, you were obsessed with RENT.
You do not have a personal bubble.
You actually understand Shakespeare.
You know how to put on stage make up.
You have been a lead.
You met a lot of your better friends through theatre.
Total = Ten

-=-Overachiever-=-
You participate in a lot of extracurricular activities.
You have a part-time job.
You have straight As.
You are in mostly honors/IB/AP classes.
You do not procrastinate.
You have scored a 5 on an AP test.
You do not have very much down time.
You are very organized.
You always have a thousand things going on at once.
You are in a long-term relationship.
You aspire to get into an Ivy League School.
In your extracurriculars, you hold leadership positions.
You are/were on Student Council.
You are/were the class president.
You are/were a class officer.
You are/were the Salutatorian for your class.
You are/were the Valedictorian for your class.
People have told you that you didn't have a life.
You are getting/have already received the IB Diploma.
You cry hysterically when you get anything lower than an A on anything.
Total = Four

-=-Slacker-=-
Your grades are slipping.
You always wait until the last minute to do big projects.
You do a lot of things half-assed.
You are an overall procrastinator.
You tend to do your homework when you're watching TV.
It takes you ages to turn your job applications in.
You are often late to school/work.
You dont turn in a lot of your work.
You spend the majority of your time watching TV, the computer or going on Myspace when you could be doing something more productive.
You sleep in past noon on the weekends and during the summer.
You do not get out of your pajamas unless you have to leave the house.
You could walk, but you'll just drive.
You have fallen asleep during class before.
Friends have called you lazy.
Life is hard when you lose the remote & you have to walk a million miles over to the TV and change the channel.
When you hang out with your friends, the majority of your time is spent playing video games or doing something where neither of you have to stand up.
You have eaten an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting.
You have sat through an entire running marathon of a show before.
Total = Ten

-=-Goth-=-
Your wardrobe consists of mostly black things.
When you have the money, you shop at Hot Topic.
You think tattoos are hot.
You think odd piercings are hot.
You don't get along with your parents.
You have/want to dyed/dye your hair an exotic color.
You've styled your hair in liberty spikes.
Sometimes you ponder the meaning of life and death.
You like to write dark poetry.
You are into S&M.
You have a pair of oversized black pants.
At one point in your life, you liked Foamy, Happy Bunny, Emily the Strange, and the Happy Tree Friends.
You listen to grunge.
You have a messenger bag with buttons up and down the straps.
You smoke cigarettes.
You will only date other Goths.
You dont really give a shit what people think about you.
Overly happy people scare you.
You like black makeup & nail polish best.
Total = Eight

-=-Nerd-=-
You actually study for tests and quizzes.
You have straight As.
You haven't had any luck with the opposite sex.
You are into WOW, Magic Cards, and Halo.
You overanalyze jokes to the point where they arent funny anymore.
Your mom buys your clothes for you.
You actually answer the questions in class.
You sit front row center in all of your classes to get the best learning experience.
You miss school during the summer.
You wear your pants at your waist.
You prefer sweatpants to jeans.
You have a pocket protector in your shirt with pens and a calculator in it.
You let cute boys/girls take advantage of you & copy your homework in hopes of getting noticed.
You've noticed some of the spelling and grammar mistakes in this survey.
People always cheat off your during tests.
Your parents pack your lunch for you every day.
You wear/should be wearing glasses.
Total = Two

-=-Garage Band Junkie-=-
You play the guitar.
You have been in a garage band before.
Youre still in a garage band.
You think your band is going to make it big someday.
You play shows almost weekly.
You play the drum set.
You sing vocals for a band.
You write your own lyrics.
You spend hundreds on amps and microphones.
Your band has a myspace page.
You have been in multiple garage bands.
You have changed the name of your band at least twice.
You have participated in a battle of the bands
Your band has been signed.
You have taken guitar classes at school.
You have played at the same venue multiple times.
You would rather make it big than have to go to college.
You have musical talent.
You have groupies.
Youve made t-shirts and other apparel for your band.
Total = zerooo

-=-Gangstaaa-=-
You actually are black.
You know who the bloods and the crips are.
You wear doo-rags.
You actually grew up in the ghetto.
You can freestyle.
You drive down the street blaring your music.
Your ride is pimped out with stereo boosts.
You can break dance.
You say nigga a lot.
You talk too fast for people to understand you.
You are pretty chill with life.
You wear your jeans oversized and below your ass.
Old school rap is the best.
You know that Tupac will never die.
You wear bling
You have/want a custom grill.
You have custom rims on your tires.
You are actually in a gang.
You are always big pimpin.
Total = Two

-=-Emo-=-
You often have trouble convincing people that you aren't emo.
You comb your hair over one of your eyes.
You flip your hair often.
You have dark-rimmed glasses.
You have cut yourself before.
If youre a boy, people often complain about your pants being too tight.
You don't really smile too often.
You blog often.
You never smile in pictures.
You listen to Thursday and/or Sunny Day Real Estate.
Youre too much of a pussy to be a goth.
You own a lot of band t-shirts.
You go to a lot of shows.
You only go for emo/scene boys and girls.
It doesnt take very much to make you cry.
You have played all the Emo Games (www.emogame.com)
You have worn black eyeliner before.
You own a bandana in which you wear in your hair.
You have dark hair.
Total = Three

-Skatepunk-=-
You own a skateboard.
You have been skateboarding since you were in grade school.
You have gotten many injuries from skateboarding.
You know that World Industries and Element arent just clothing lines.
You have vandalized public property.
You have TPed somebodys house before.
You have been yelled at for loitering.
You have gotten in trouble with the cops.
You listen to punk rock.
Chicks on skateboards are hot.
You stick it to the man!!!!!
You own skater shoes.
You watch MTV2, not MTV.
You enjoy crude humor.
Fuck school, lets do crazy shit.
You have watched the X games.
You know that there are other pro skaters out there besides Tony Hawk.
You pretty much live at the skate park.
Hygene does not concern you.
Skater boys are attractive.
Total =Six

Yeah, uh... I'm pretty much a partying thesbian who slacks off. =P Besides the slacking off, that's so "wtf?"

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 17:26:52 GMT

So, talking to him for the first time since the fight...
I was kind of a bitch, actually.
Oops.
Oh well. I'm not happy enough to be nice.

Even Mom noticed something was wrong with me.
She doesn't know I have emotions,
So when she notices something-
It's bad.

But I didn't talk to her.
Ew. Why would I?
What a waste of time.
She wouldn't understand. Most people wouldn't.

Anyway-
Playing tennis with Marz today.
I'm gonna beat her.
-cough- I suck. -cough-
But we'll see what happens.

Congrats on graduating yesterday, Tom.
Now you get to go to court today as your graduation present. Silly boy.
=P Shouldn't have gotten caughtttttttttt.

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 21:29:13 GMT

When we claim that it’s love that we have for someone, are we correct?
Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest?
It is not love, its like.
You can’t keep your eyes or hands off of them… Am I right?
It’s not love, its lust.
Are you proud and eager to show them off?
It’s not love, its luck.
Do you want them because you know they’re there?
It’s not love, its loneliness.
Are you there because its what everyone wants?
It’s not love, its loyalty.
Are you there because they kissed you or held your hand?
It’s not love, its low confidence.
Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don’t want to hurt them?
It’s not love, its pity.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It’s not love, its infatuation.
Do you pardon their faults because you care bout them?
It’s not love, its friendship.
Do you tell them everyday they are the only one you think of?
Its not love, its a lie.
Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
It’s not love, its charity.
Does your heart ache and break when they’re sad?
Then its love.
Do you cry for their pain, even when they’re strong?
Then its love.
Do their eyes see your true heart and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then its love.
Do you stay because blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there?
Then its love.
Do you accept their faults because they are a part of who they are?
Then its love.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret?
Then its love.
Would you allow them to leave you not because they want to but because they have to?
Then its love.
Would you give them your heart, your life, your death?
Then its love.
If love is painful and tortures us, why do we love? Why is it that’s all we search for in life? This pain... this agony? Why is it all we long for? This torture... this powerful death of self? Why?!

The answer is so simple. Because its... L.O.V.E... it is such an addiction that even people who are not having it wish to experience and share it.

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 19:17:02 GMT

I'm better now, sort of.
It's not my problem,
It has nothing to do with me.
I'm just not going to care.

I'm done.
I guess, in the end,
It's her or me. And I've got to expect that he'll always choose her.
Therefore, my attitude and how I act around him has to change.
We'll see how that goes.

I just tried to talk to her,
And lately I just have nothing to say.
It's awkward and weird.
And I'm sure she's aware at how unhappy I am with them together,
But I tried to be nice.
And that's all that matters, right?
At least I wasn't being a bitch or anything.
I just want to be sweet.

So I complained to Marz and Majed last night.
And that helped a bit.
Majed was kind of busy, so I felt bad interrupting just to complain.
But oops. Oh well. I did.

Today,
I'm past it.
And if he doesn't talk to me.
Oh well. I'll live.
I didn't mess up.

Went to my brother's school picnic today.
Blah. =[
Really didn't want to be there. I find that shit so boring.

Hopefully hanging out with Marz later?
Yay. <3

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 02:13:51 GMT

Iced Caramel Macchiato made me feel a bit better.
Dressing up and looking cute made me feel better.
Cicada in hair? Not so much.

Quite honestly, a drink would make everything feel good about now.
A shot of something strong with good friends.
Perfect.

I remember when I used to yell at her for drinking after the breakup.
I guess, in a sense, I kind of know how she feels-
A drink would wisp everything away.
I wish I still drank on days like these.

If I had something right now,
It'd be gone. I'd be wasted.
I'd be forgetting that I ever cared.
Alcohol took the pain away when I needed it most before, during the divorce.
I'm sure it would be more than willing to help me now.
After all, isn't it most useful when you're feeling betrayed and heartbroken?
I've held myself back until now. I've been logical. I've been smart.
But I'm feeling pretty stupid for believing that I mattered-
So why not add stupid decisions to ice the cake, right?

I apologized. I'm not sure why, but I did.
My overreaction was NOT out of line.
Actually, I'm slightly surprised that he didn't completely expect that to come.
OF COURSE I would be upset.
Who wouldn't be?
As surprising as it may seem, I'm not void of emotion. I certainly wasn't this morning.
Just because I don't cry doesn't mean I can't.
And it's funny how it always seems to be the same person that causes it.

I want to be in Addison.
I want to be with Marz.
Or I want to talk to Majed. He'll understand. He'll offer some sympathy. But he's not home, and I'm not about to call and ruin his day when he's out having a good time.

I wish the people next door would just shut up.

...
and my youth is the MAIN problem.
Oh, that's good. One of many, and it's one I can't control. Thanks.
Then, here you go-
That problem's about 3 years away from being completely solved.
The question really is-
Am I worth waiting for?
Will he be there when it IS possible? Or will he be happy and in love with her?
Should I give up, or is there hope someday? He could never give me a real answer to that.
You can't promise something that's years away.

I just want to know that he'll be there,
And, somehow,
I feel that once he finds someone better, he won't.
I'll poof out of his mind like a bad magic trick and not come back until a 3 second thought years later.
My faith seems to be faltering. But it's not gone. I doubt it's really anywhere near.
My hope is still fully intact. I don't know why it won't die.
Wouldn't that be easier on you, my poor, beat up heart?

Watch. It's sickening.
I'll see him a week from now.
He'll hug me, and not a doubt will exist concerning my love for him.
My belief that I'm good enough will be right back where it was,
Even if I'm not good enough. I'll still think so.
I'll make excuses for why it won't work and why it will in the end.
When, there's really only one conclusion-
I'm not the one he wants to be with.
One of these days, I'll wise up and agknowledge that.
Until then, I'll just continue to make a fool of myself for loving someone who can't love me back.

It's hard to be mad at him.
I start missing him after a while.
I want to mean everything to him...
Hug him and kiss him and have him tell me everything is alright.
If he cares so goddamn much, shouldn't he be here when I cry?
Why doesn't he give a shit when I'm at my worst?

I want something better than this.
Something better than what my life is becoming.
I'm dependant and needy-- when did that happen?
When was my weakness more evident?
It's all since I met him. All I wanted was to matter.
To be that person in someone's life, opposed to the typical "You're just a friend," feeling.

I'm meant to be just a friend.
I get crushes on the wrong people,
And seriously fall for the ones that couldn't care less.
Then again, I don't think I've ever fallen this hard.
No one said a first love was supposed to hurt this bad.
No one told me it tears you apart.
I'm just sick of always being second best.
I'll always be his when he's not with her.
=/

If he ever tries to kiss me again-
I'll slap him.
No doubt in my mind.
I don't want to be kissed by someone who would rather be kissing someone else.

Gosh, things can be so difficult sometimes.
I guess any confusion I had about his feelings has cleared up now, hasn't it?

Anyway, I have Magen back. I've missed her. My sister. <3
She makes me forget pain and come back to my senses a bit.

Nothing but babysitting tonight.
I think I might cry a bit more though.
It felt good to actually get my emotion out, for once,
Instead of balling it in and acting like everything is perfect.

<3

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 15:58:57 GMT

I feel really cold. I just got the worst chills in 70 degree weather. Obviously, that's not good.

I'm not happy. But if you were me and heard what I just heard, I doubt you would be either. Ugh, don't you just love life? One step forward, three steps back. Always.

Right now, it's almost like... I need to sacrifice a sheep just to make God realize that he's toying with me and I think I deserve better. I really think I do. Yet, so does she, and lately I think He's been more aware of what she wants and is completely ignoring all that I desire. At least I have a decently healthy and happy life in other situations, I guess.

I don't know what I'm feeling. Rather her than someone else, right? I mean, she means so much to me... and to him... that it might as well. I was just sitting back, waiting for them to get back together anyway. Everyone knew it would happen. They love each other. I don't fit in. Never have, never will.

I'm holding back tears. Crying is a sign of weakness, and I'm sure as hell not weak. I'm NOT. I can't allow myself to be. If I am, he wins. They win. And I can't let that happen, because it seems they always win, and I'm always left to lose. I'm fucking sick of losing. And fuck not swearing, what does it even matter? Everyone does it. Why do I feel the need to be so rightous and perfect? It's not getting me anywhere, is it? Not quite.

At the same time, I truly am happy for them. They both deserve to be happy and in love. Who am I to intrude? GOOD FOR THEM. Rather two people be happy and myself be unhappy. And he's happy. And he can tell that I'm not. But it doesn't really matter, does it? He's not out to make me happy, and why should I expect him to be? I don't matter that much. I give up my happiness just to see him happy. I'm ALWAYS willing to. I love how shit like that doesn't even make a difference to people anymore.

I fucking love him. With everything in me. And it hurts so fucking bad to try and hate him. To try and not care. To try and not cry and scream out "What the fuck does she have that I don't?" Everything. Everything. She had his heart from the beginning, and what did I have? Nothing. I have false love and false hopes since day one. And I just keep on falling for it. Why do I have to be so fucking stupid?

And why am I reacting this way? I hate being so goddamn emotional. I don't like tears. I'm so goddamn weak. I can't even fucking control myself. I want her dead, but I could never bring myself to hurt her. I care too goddamn much.
In all honesty, Lahni, I love him more than anything in the world too.
In all honesty, I hate you right now. But that's not your fault.

Why can't anything just work out?
I want something real, not these bullshit games he plays with me.
Why would you mess with a young girl's heart?
Why can't I just be a friend and be happy for him? Because I'm not.

All I have left is prayer. That's going to get me through the day.
I'm so in love with him. I need a way out.
God closed my door. Hopefully, he's planning to open a window real soon.

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 03:27:11 GMT

Didn't write yesterday because I was at Marlene's all day after finals. We intended to get some sun, but that didn't happen. Damn wind. So, instead, we sat inside and waited for Ria. This included doing surveys and listening to Addante ramble about nothing. Then she came, and the three of us [Addante went home for dinner and to the store.] went to Walmart, followed by Office Depot, Best Buy, AND Sams Club in search of the perfect mp3 player for John's birthday today. By the way, happy birthday John. Got to see Lala, which was cool since I don't see her that often anymore, but some weird shit is going on there that I'd rather not talk about. Heh. Anyway, then we went back to the house and took a short walk with Addante and brought his groceries in. And we kind of sat around until sunset, basically. Except we played Guitar Hero. Which, I promise, I will never attempt again. I have the worst hand/eye coordination known to man. Then home- nothing else.

As for today, first day of summer and it was too windy/cool to tan. What the hell is up with that?! I was severly disappointed. I don't have a drop of color to me. =[ But still, I layed out there for a while and froze while I read.

The rest of the day, I basically spent on the computer. I took a break to watch Most Haunted on the Travel Channel, and I was thinking about how Dave would yell at me and say how it's a complete waste of time and ghosts don't exist. Well, I still believe they do. I'll go and see for myself how haunted these places are one of these days, but I wish I could make him come with me. Then when I squeal, I have someone who doesn't believe to protect me, you know? I think he's just afraid to admit that they're real. That's probably it.

Speaking of, I'm supposed to be bowling with him tonight. But I'm not. When I'm at Dad's house, days go by a lot more slowly because nothing happens and he likes me to stay in every other day instead of being out 24/7, which I think is a bit ridiculous, don't you?
You would think he would be happy to get rid of me.
Either way, doesn't matter much. I can't bowl either way. Now I don't get the chance to embarrass myself. Saved by the bell.

OH, and I was supposed to go see Surf's Up with Paul,
But I didn't.
My plans with Paul ALWAYS get cancelled. It kinda sucks, because I miss that kid. He's pretty cool.
But yeah, I had no ride.

Whatever. Dad's nagging about my "messy room," which really isn't that messy.
So I'm going to clean and let my brother sleep.

Not like I have anything else of interest to say anyway.
Goodnight.

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 00:13:51 GMT

So, ughhhh, these past few days have been a little crazy, haven't they?
Finals are driving me crazy,
And some other weird stuff has been happening too.
I kind of just want it all to end.

One more day. Thank God.

Marz & John & Alex?
That was fun. Interesting.
Pans Labyrinth is a pretty kickass movie,
Even if it is all in Spanish and forced Alex and I to actually read.

Majed & Jimmy & IHOP?
Pretty awesome too,
Even though we just layed around and talked and ate.
Majed and I always have a good time.
We seem to be getting closer and closer, friendship-wise.
And he's such a good friend. I'm pretty lucky.

As for him-
He's being jealous and rude. And lying.
Well, he's not lying to me... or being rude to me...
But in general. To his best friend.
And I feel that is has to do directly with me.
...ouch,
I have to find a way to make this right. =/

Not like he has any reason to be jealous anyway.
He feels nothing for me-
Why should it matter what I do and who I hang out with?

I don't know. Maybe I have this whole thing wrong.
...but I doubt it. Even if he won't admit it.
And he's acting way to nice and loving lately.
It's actually becoming REALLY weird.
I don't know. I'm confused.

Anyway,
Ms. Murphy should crawl in a hole and die for all the detentions she gives me.
Even though detention was kinda fun today.
Last day of school, detention? Doesn't quite make sense.
Had to sit there for 2 1/2 hourssss!
But I like to think I made it interesting with my smartass remarks. I had fun. =]

The cicadas are really loud.
And I'm pretty much in love with Daniil Simkin.
OR maybe just his dancing.
Heh.

And I love Emmy. I'm kinda worried about her. Hopefully, everything is alright. <3

Why is Kimi Arquines always grabbing her chest?
Oh, the wonders. The world may never know.

You know what was rad?
Talking to Zak Klemm yesterday.
I miss that kid muchoooooo.
He's pretty much the hero of my life.
Hahah.
And I love his super Zak hugs.

Hanging out with Paul Friday?
Lets hope so.
=]
Yayyyy. I haven't seen Paul in way too long.

Tuesday is reserved for Ria [and possibly Marlene?]
To go downtown and to the beach.
Can't wait. It'll be great.
Hopefully my new bikini will be here by then.
Have you seen it?

It's pretty gorgeous.
Hopefully, it'll be here in 3 days or so.
Eeeee! =]

Anyway, yeah. I'm done. <3

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 03:30:54 GMT

Taken from Marlene. <3

1 When was the last time you cried? I don't remember, to be quite honest.

2 Have you ever faked sick? Uh huh.

3 What was the last lie you said? I said I would go somewhere tomorrow night. I actually have no desire to go, so I probably won't.

4 Have you ever cried during a movie? I can't remember a time when I did.... yes I can. Seeing "What a Girl Wants." I'm lame.

5 Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of? Him. <3

6 Have you ever danced in the rain? All the time.

7 Have you ever been drunk? Chyep.

8 Have you ever tried tried drugs? Nuh uh.

9 Do you smoke? Not a chance.

10 What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare? I block out memories from truth or dare.

11 What is your full name? Clair Elise Belmonte.

12 What is your blood-type? AB positive?

13 Have you ever been in a car accident? Nuh uh.

14 How old were you when you recieved your first kiss? 3. Parents have a picture of it too. First one that happened on purpose, I was 7.

15 Who was your first kiss? Cole. Haha.

16 Have you ever had an online relationship? Hahaah. Yes. Pathetic? Just a bit.

17 Have you ever had phone-sex? -gasp- Why, I'm a virgin.

18 Have you ever been rejected by a crush? Hah. When you get to my point, it's constant rejection.

19 What is your favourite sport to play? Football.

20 Have you ever made a prank phone call? Duh.

21 Have you ever said -- No, more than likely, I haven't. Whatever I'm saying.

22 What's your favourite childhood memory? IEeesh. Just making it though?

23 Is there anything that you have done that you regret? Nope.

24 What do you want to be when you grow up? Ballerina

25 What is your political persuassion? Let's go Democrat. =]

26 Have you ever had cybersex? Hahaha. Yeahhhh. =P Wow, I have to be the lamest person in the world.

27 Do you believe in g-d? I believe in God. We're homies.

28 Do you believe in love at first sight? Kinda sorta. Not love persay, just a certain level of trust and awareness of the other person that is necessary to fall in love.

29 Do you believe in karma? Nah.

30 Who was your first crush? James Estrada?

31 Who do you have a crush on? Hah. Things elevated way past a crush a long time ago.

32 How would you describe yourself? Silly. Shy. Down-to-earth. Random. Comforting.

33 What are you afraid of? Main fears - Rejection, Tornados/other natural disasters, Clowns, and Unicorns.

34 Are you religious? Yes. Yes, I am.

35 What does your screen name mean? OLD insider/nickname with Jorge.

36 What person do you trust the most? Marz. Dave.

37 Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Arlens.

38 What is the best compliment you have ever recieved? I'm not quite sure.

39 What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you? I've been called some pretty bad things. I don't let it affect me.

40 What is the longest crush/relationship you have had? Relationship? 7 months. Crush? Gianni Levato. That was on and off for three years.

41 What is your greatest strength? Eh...?

42 What is your greatest weakness? Warm breathe on my ear, or nibbling on it. Neck too. And when I'm close to a boy, and they go slightly under my shirt to the small area of your stomach right above where your jeans start? Tickle me there, I'll literally shiver.

43 What is your perfect pizza? Veggie. =D

44 What is your first thought when waking up in the morning? Ughhhhhhhhhhh.

45 What is your first thought before you go to bed? Him.

46 What college do you want to go to? Boston Conservatory. For sure.

47 Do you get along with your family? Not with my mom. Daddy and I are really close.

48 Do you play any instruments? Not a chance.

49 What kind of music do you like? Anything. ANYTHING.

50 Do you think you're attractive? HAH.

51 Would you ever get a tattoo? Probably not.

52 How many piercings do you have? One in each ear? Nothing too exciting.

53 Who makes you laugh? Marz and her bad jokes. Dave and his sarcasm/stupidity.

54 Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours? Someone cute that I didn't know.

55 Have you ever seen a dead body? I'd rather not.

56 Do you have a celebrity crush? Zack Braff. <33

57 What is one thing scientists should invent? They should spend less money on pointless shit and more on finding cures for cancer.

58 Have you ever broken a bone? It happens pretty often.

59 What happens after you die? You dance and be merry. You get all the answers to unanswered questions. You have fireside chats with God and watch over the people who mean the most to you.

60 Do you watch or read the news? I'd rather read it than watch it, but I do both.

61 What stereotype would you label yourself as being? Fuck-up.

62 Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label? For sure.

63 If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Zelda. =D

64 If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go? Last year. Nothing was worse than that.

65 If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change? Hahah. I'd be a totally different person.

66 Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Chyep.

67 Have you ever played strip poker? AHAHAHA. Good memories with good friends. =]

68 Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves? Very unlikely.

69 What do you want your friends to think about you? That I'm trustworthy. That they could talk to me about anything.

70 Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into? Currently still going.

71 HAve you ever bitten someone? I bit Marz's finger today.

72 When's your birthday? September 1st.

73 Have you ever stolen anything? Not to my memory.

74 Do you make wishes on shooting stars? No.

75 Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting? I can't eat a lot.

76 If you could go back and change one day, what would it be? The day I met him.

77 Do you remember your dreams? I try.

78 Have you ever been in love? It's not as good as they say.

79 Are you a morning person or a night person? Way night.

80 Do you have any phobias? Mmhmmm. But they don't control my life.

81 What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone? I do a lot of mean things on a daily basis.

82 Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)? Uh huh.

83 How many screen names do you have? 2. They're linked.

84 Do any medical problems run in your family? Many.

85 Has anyone ever been disowned from your family? My Mom.

86 Have you ever had a nightmare? Of course.

87 Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies? Friends. Definitely.

88 Would you ever participate in a threesome? Maybe?

89 Would you ever pay for a prostitute? Nahhh. I know too many horny people to actually pay.

90 Have you ever mooned or flashed someone? Yeah.

91 Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf? Oops.

92 Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants? Ahaha. Probably, but I can't remember a time.

93 Have you ever written a love letter? Yep. Never gave it to him.

94 Have you ever attempted suicide? I'm not suicidal.

95 Do you prefer boxers or briefs? Boxers, please.

96 Have you ever been in a fistfight? Eeesh. Yeah.

97 Do you have any hidden talents? They're so hidden, even I don't know about them.

98 What is one thing you want me to know about you? Biology pisses me off.

99 What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask? "Why don't you have a boyfriend?!" I hate that question.

100 Do you usually prefer books or movies? Books. Everytime.

101 Who is your favourite person to talk to? Him and her. =]

102 Who is always able to cheer you up when you're sad? Marlene. Always.

103 Would you ever have sex before marriage? I don't want to, but I probably will.

104 Who do you talk to most on the phone? Marz and Dave.

105 Do you have a secret that you're ashamed of? I'm ashamed of my attitude in 7th and 8th grade. I don't know what happened to me.

106 Do you prefer british or american spelling of words? American, please. That's where we live.

107 Have you ever gotten detention? Hey! I was there today!

108 How do you vent your anger? I don't. I keep it inside. Or I pray.

109 Have you ever been on a diet? Yes.

110 Would you ever date someone younger than you? Honestly, I doubt it. Older than you? Mmhm.

111 Is your best friend a virgin? Yes

112 What's a rumor someone has spread about you? I don't remember.

113 What's the kinkiest thing you could ever actually see yourself as doing? Ahahah. What WON'T I be doing? =P

114 What's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to you? She put me in that awkward position.

115 What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you? Was there to be a shoulder to cry on at 2 in the morning when he didn't even know me.

116 Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? Not yet.

117 Have you ever cut yourself on purpose? Eeesh.

118 Have you ever wanted to murder someone? Not really..

119 Have you ever hated someone? I'm not good at hating.

120 Do you prefer talking on the phone or online? Online, most of the time.

121 Do you consider yourself popular? Nah.

122 Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them? It always turns out bad.

123 Have you ever had a crush on an enemy? I don't have enemies.

124 Have you ever had a crush on a best friend? Yes. =/

125 What is your favourite book? god shaped hole, how to kill a rockstar, and HP series [hell, I don't even have to alter her answer.]

126 Do you have a collection of anything? Teddy bears.

127 Are you happy with the person you are becoming? Kinda, yeah.

128 Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago? Life was a lot easier than.

129 What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now? Dancing through life.

130 Are you happy with the life you have? For the most part, yeah. =]

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 03:24:39 GMT

I'm so bad with getting on here. My gosh. I'm horrible.

Anywayyyy. Marlene is over. =] Yayyyy.
And we were just looking at her livejournal, so I decided to make an entry.

Today's an okay day.
I like having Marz over here. She dances around and acts silly. I love her.
Yeah, I said it. I love her. Challenge me John, I dare you. =P

Drove home from Indiana today. Went to see Sara and the rest of the Deutches over the weekend. That was pretty cool. Nothing horribly exciting, considering I was sick and felt like crap. But Sara and I always have fun. Old best friends stay best friends. <3
We did the usual stuff. Walked around the neighborhood and caught up on life. Went to a graduation party down the block. Grocery store. Prettied up for the mall, where I got my eyebrows threaded for the first time and bought shoes that make me look 6 feet tall. Painted toenails and did hair. Hot tubbed in the evening. Watched Saw 3 and went to bed. For a completely normal day, we had a lot of fun. It was just so great to see the entire family again. After all, I pretty much grew up with them. She was one of my first friends. I missed her soo much.

That caught me up on Randi Nicole's life too. Who got married and moved to London in the past year. Wowwwww, we thought she was going to marry the crazy tattoo artist. Funny how things change, you know? I missed her a lot too. Sissy will always be important. I'm excited to get her reply via myspace and see whats been going on with her lately.

So today I drove home and slept the entire way. Then I watched Brian for a while as Mom went out for a walk and then Marlene came over. And she just left a little while ago. And I miss her already, but she has to finish her homework.

"My owner is the shit!" Ahahahaha.

So- I've been talking and hanging out with Majed a lot lately. And it's pretty rad, yo. =] That kid has offically been added to the list of people that make my life. Hahaha. But... I don't know how it happened, really. We're just getting close. He's "comfortable" with me, which is something he doesn't feel with everyone, apparently. I feel pretty awesome with him. Yayyyy! Speaking of, planning to hang out with him tonight. Should be fun.

4 more days until school is out.
=D
Yessssssssssssssssssssssss. Summer is here! It might be too hot for me... but school is out, and that's all I care about. Freshman year is offically behind me, finally! About time.

As for my him-
That's difficult. Things are getting weird and I'm hearing some unsettling things. I don't know... I think I'm falling out. My stomach disagrees everytime I see him, but my head is looking at the logic and really thinking about how likely it would be for something to work out. I love how I honestly think about this after a year of being crazy about him. But, it's hard. I get around him, and all I want to do is hug him and kiss him and BE WITH HIM, though I know how unlikely that is. So I just stop trying. Apparently, we're going to make babies though. He called me the wife? I overthink pointless things. My head is all over the place with him, I'm just trying not to think. Forget him.
Hung out with him the other night too. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life, and we did absolutely nothing but lay in a softball field for a few hours. It's weird how just playing around with him and having fun makes me love him all over again every time I see him. It drives me crazy.

Alright. Shower then Majed.

Tue, 15 May 2007 11:51:23 GMT

Getting on the computer is difficult lately, considering I have absolutely no time...
So I'm sorry for anyone who depends on this to know how I'm doing. I'm just not reliable.

I should be getting in the shower right now, but I'm going to take the time to write about everything that's been going on. Definately lots. List? Let's do it.

-Got back in touch with Kristin Campbell. Weird one, eh? I think so too. But yeah, she came over on mother's day and we just spent the whole day catching up on what we've missed in each other's lives in the past three years. It's amazing how you can miss someone so much when you never thought you wanted to see them again. On that noteeeee...
-Talked to Ellen Sunday night. Holding up an ongoing normal conversation, which is good for us. It means something is going somewhere. We were going to stop over there Sunday for Mom to talk to Bruce about their uncle's house, which is up for sale. She wants to move in there. Hah. Well, okay. Maybe that's not the whole reason. I kind of wanted to see Ellen, but I wouldn't have anything to say to her. You realize it's been a year since me and my ex-best friend talked? It's kind of hard to apologize for hurting each other and pick up where you left off, you know? Either way, we talked, and I'm happy.
-Marlene and John are datinggggggg. Yeah, we all knew it would happen. I'm just proud to say the asking took place at MY house, thank you. -bows- Marz's birthday was such a good day. =] More on that later.
-Dance show on the 4th went well. Marz, John, Dave, and Lahni came. I w

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 17:35:28 GMT

Hi Marzie! [among other people who actually read this shit. I doubt any of you really do.] So I guess it's been a while since I updated, yeah? About 10 days, only because those ten days, along with the 5 which are approaching, are the busiest days of my life. This May show at dance is driving me absolutely crazy. I'm trying to make up 3 weeks of lost time within 7 days. Pretttttty scary, but I can do it. I know I can.

You wanna know the biggest change that I've seen in myself within the past few weeks or so? I'm actually succeeding. I'm actually going back to the girl I used to know, the perfectionist who knew a long time ago that school and college would always be my foundation. Dance is there, and I certainly need to succeed at that, but I also need a backup plan. In order to get where I want in life, I need to work for it. No one is going to hang me a career and an easy lifestyle on a platter. I need to do things for myself, control myself, and that's what I'm doing. I'm back to getting good grades. Not even good grades, GREAT grades. All A's, or one point away from an A in the instance of World History. I'm back to reading. I'm back to excelling at dance. I thought I couldn't do it all, but once I eliminate all the stress and address what I really want, I can do it. I can succeed better than anyone ever could. And this is all because of my first cavity. I know, my mind works really oddly. But, either way, I'm going to be as close to god damn perfect as I can be, because I know I can do it. I can balance going out, school, family, dance. I can do it all, damnit! I know I can! I'm just so sick of disappointing myself and feeling like I am less than I am.

Anyway, back to dance. I'm officially back full time as of last week. The progress reports of good grades got me back. Now, I'm sorry to say, it's unlikely you're going to see me much until June, because I will be rapidly preparing for recital. This was the worst time of year to miss because we have so many big shows going on. Either way, this is the time of the year when I most love my life. Stressing is okay, as long as it helps me prevail in the end. Yesterday was kind of a horrible day in my dance career though, because I had an absolutely horrible show. And I mean HORRIBLE. This is what I get for going to a show and not going to practice for three weeks. I got up on stage and faked it the best I could, especially during the advanced tap routine. I did not remember a piece of it, and it was the first time Kathy and I were practicing our partnering. Plus, all of us were super stressed out, and Kathy and Vee got in a big spat, which kind of brought the mood down. And on one of our lifts, Kathy dropped me, which wasn't good at all, but I don't blame her one bit. I think I jumped wrong. Either way, I was horribly stressed out, and I probably would've been in tears had it not been for Ruth, Amanda, and Elise. I swear, those girls get me through everything [even if, while practicing, Ruth totally groped me. xD There were so many accidental [?] lesbian encounters that night.] Still, nonetheless, I made it through the night with no problem. I'm just hoping the rehearsal today goes significantly better than yesterday's. The highlight of yesterday was probably finally getting my heel taps and character heels, and getting my nails done. I've been meaning to do both for quite some time now.

Today, my day consists of going to Barnes & Noble, picking up my summer reading books and some others, since I'm reading pretty much 24/7 lately. Then I've got dance rehearsal pretty much all day. I'm going to be tired out.

As for what's been happening while I haven't been at dance? Tuesday there was a late night joyride with Dean, Thalia, Dave, & Mic. That was crazy fun. We were out from 11:30 to 4:30, just driving around and singing and acting like complete retards. Honestly, even though that's not normally my idea of fun, I absolutely loved it.
The weekend before, I spent the night at Marz's house, which is when she started talking to John. We just sat in the study all night, making stupid jokes and having fun. Most of the stuff was related to jews. Sorry Jewish community of America!
We had a little gettogether bbq at my house. It was Me, Lala, Marz, Dave, Elpidia, and Magen, and we just hung around for a few hours and ate and stuff. It really was nothing special.
And that weekend, Dave and Lala and I got banned from IHOP. Not like being banned from IHOP makes any difference anyway, because we're all still gonna go, but hangin out there for a few hours was okay. =]

There's the story of my life for you. Exciting, yeah? Anyway, I'm out. I need to go get my books. I'll get back onto this soon. =]

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 06:55:09 GMT

Today was a relatively good day. The only odd part was falling asleep in pretty much every class. Why was I so exhausted? I went to bed early yesterday! It's so funny how that stuff works. Other than that, school itself was no excitement. C+ on a World History test that I could've swore I bombed and an A+ on Italian today. I actually feel really bad for Mrs. Hedley, because she's got a hole in her ear drum and can't hear out of her right ear very well. My poor, poor Bio teacher. I hope she gets better, even if she isn't the best teacher. All that matters in the end is that she's a complete sweetheart.

So I got pretty annoyed when I didn't know the answers to our Italian homework since the words WEREN'T in the book like they were supposed to be. Signora was all "figure it out." so I'm pretty much all "Well, screw that. Shove that up your ass." Bitchy day, of course, but that's been pretty common lately. Then my mother forgot to pick me up and couldn't because she had a conference call. Apparently, it's all my dad's fault because he didn't remind her the day before that he was out of town. How ridiculous is that?! I wish she would just accept fault for her own mistakes, because she pretty much always tries to find someone to blame other than herself. It's kind of silly if you ask me, but whatever she wants to do is fine with me. I just wish all that negative energy that she used blaming him was aimed towards picking me up on time. After about an hour & a half, she finally came. This hour I speak of was very entertaining though, sitting down in the caf with Brittane, Olinda, and Sara. We had a lot of fun trashing celebrities, singing N*Sync songs, discussing nationalities and how we characterize a race by only the bad people. It was really silly and fun. I love those girls. <3

Either way, I was in kind of a bad mood still, until Dave asks me to go to IHOP. Boy, what a trip. =] It was pretty cool to just hang out and not worry about the grounding or being home on exact time. It's not like my mother could ground my worse, right? Hahah. Either way, lots of fun and getting in trouble with management. Funny, because the people who work there were probably being worse than we were. Dave and I went, and banged into Jimmy, Katie, Jackie, & Rob there. It was kind of odd that most of them work there, but had their day off today and were still laying around at work, don't you think? Kind of crazy, if you ask me. They're such silly people with their fake plastic hands named Jorge which constantly molests people. I kind of got in a bit of trouble when I tried to throw a cream at Jimmy, but missed and hit the back window. The whole thing burst on the window. It was pretty funny, but I felt horrible making them clean up my mess just because they worked there. Ack, oh well. That was pretty much my non-shy moment for the night. The 45 minutes before that, I was shy and quiet and felt disgustingly awkward being there and not being close to anyone but Dave. I think I felt best when Lahni got there after work. That made me feel about a bajillion times better. I love seeing her, I feel safe around her. Not to say I don't around Dave, but I really don't around other people that I barely know. Dave applied for a job there too, which is really cool, because then I don't need any kind of excuse to hang out with him and I can finally bother him at work! Yayyyyy. All in all, it made me feel significantly better. I love how Dave just brightens up my day every time I see him. I guess that's what best friends are for, right? =]

Anyway, I had some quotes, but I think I'll add them tomorrow. I'm crazy tired, it's almost 2 in the morning, and the book is all the way downstairs. Still, on the constant topic of love, I'm failing worse and worse, and he's not letting me win. How unfair is that?? Guess I should get used to this failing, because it's going to last.

Update on lovers: Marzie did okay on her solo! Yesss! I told you that you would, sweetie. <3 I'm proud of you.
Dave seems alright and the illness has faded off. Good. I like my main boy healthy. =]
Lahni is fine, for the most part. Except the throwing of sharp utensils at Rob and almost running him over, but I personally thought it was pretty great.
Didn't talk to Ria or Magen today. =[

Goodnight. <3

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 03:20:10 GMT

Even Mom's noticing my overage of stress and how often I'm getting upset lately. Ew. And she never knows anything that goes on with me, which is probably the worst part about it. I can't wait until she gets her new job and gets her nose out of me business.
I'm on a food binge today. I'm pretty much eating the worst shit [health-wise] that I can possibly find. It's making me feel slightly better. I just know that I'm going to regret it in the morning when I get on the scale. Or maybe I should just stop getting on the scale.
I'm just going to make a list of ways to eliminate the stress currently in my life.

Project: Eliminate Stress
1. Get schoolwork done before it needs to be and study every night. [Hey Clair... you should be studying for your Italian quiz tomorrow!]
2. Avoid speaking to Madre unless absolutely necessary. Keep nothing hidden, but only tell if asked directly. Be open only enough for her to not get suspicious. Eliminate unnecessary arguments.
3. Keep advil in schoolbag for extra-annoying classes. [Would've been helpful today with Ms. Cal as a sub in Biology.]
4. Work to improve myself in dance, and work on taking corrections less personally. It's alright to mess up and be corrected sometimes. Corrections are "presents."
5. Ask for help when needed! Everyone needs a little help sometimes!
6. Accept that change, in some instances, is good. Keep bedroom organized in order to possibly sell the house? Deal with the fact that, once again, I'm making sacrifices for my family, and that should please me. Sometimes I have to sacrifice my happiness for others.
7. Don't worry so much about eating junk food. As long as I'm not overeating, I'm not going to gain one hundred pounds overnight. Or stop going on the scale altogether.
8. Stop being afraid to make mistakes.
9. Keep my standards high, and realize I shouldn't settle for anything less than what I truly want. This counts in the topic of boys too.
10. I'm worth being treated well! I shouldn't settle period! Only accept the best for myself.
11. Prepare for summer break and pamper myself.
12. Spend as much time with my favorite five people as humanly possible. Remember, they're there to support me through everything.
13. Just be happy.

I feel calmer just writing it down.
I'm worried about Marzie though. I hope she does well on her recording test tomorrow in band. She can't fail. =[

Homework is all done today. You have no idea what kind of crazy relief that is. But, then again, I still have that annoying pain in my stomach like I'm forgetting something, or that something is not right, or that something is going to go bad. These feelings make me crazy paranoid. I'm going to go and take some advil.

Plans for tonight:
1) Take advil. 2) Read. 3) Eat. 4) Call Marz. 5) Movie.
Get me off this damn computer.
Goodnight.<3

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 03:06:31 GMT

They say that nothing worth having ever came easy...

Icky night. Not quite sure why. You know those nights where you just want to cry and scream at the same time, even though nothing directly caused it? That's how it is. My head and my stomach kill. I'm dying to throw a shoe in someones face. I kind of just wanna lay around and spend all day talking to Lahni too. I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask?
Already tried nail therapy... didn't work.
Nothing goes right today. Then again, nothing really went wrong. I'm just so hopeless.

I hate "love." That's what it comes down to. I'm turning bitter and unloving because of this experience. I'm just hoping it ends soon. I want to get over it so bad. Today was one of those days where I step outside myself and look and say "Why am I putting myself through this?" Not by choice, I assure you of that. I kinda wanna give up. Either way, I couldn't give up anyway. I'm too far in and he won't let my heart go.

You know what I want? A pony. And a coin operated boy.
Thank you Amanda Palmer.

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf he is just a toy
but i turn him on and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a coin operated boy
made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more
love without complications galore
many shapes and weights to choose from
i will never leave my bedroom
i will never cry at night again
wrap my arms around him and pretend....
coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......
this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
can you extract me from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
and will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i want it
i want you
i want a coin operated boy.
and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i cant imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath
coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point that is why i want a
coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.

Get better Dave. I'm worried about you. <3

I'm just going to sleep. Blah.

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 02:26:46 GMT

Ahhhh. It feels back to have a computer available again. How completely pathetic is that? I go 3 days without the internet, and my addiction starts to physically hurt me. I actually wanted to come home early yesterday morning just so I could check my email. I think this is a sign that I really need a life. Seriously...

Anyway, I'm back from a weekend filled with multiple layers of nothingness. I don't understand why anyone could possibly consider going to Wisconsin a "vacation," because there's absolutely nothing to offer there. I don't see how anyone would want to live there either. We spent three days in the Dells, the center of all excitement in one of the top most boring states in the US, and I was still sleeping the majority of the trip. It didn't help that not a single cute guy was in sight the entire time. Even my daddy was searching for them [in order to keep me entertained. He was sick of seeing me all the time.] I talked to the guy at the gift shop, but...eh. That was kind of weird. Can't really fully explain that experience besides entertaining. Ah well.
So later yesterday night, when I should have been writing a long overdue livejournal entry [haha], I went out with Marz instead. Of course, this was much to Dave's dismay, because he wanted me to sit around all night and talk to him. I'm sorry, but I have a life. =] Just kidding, Dave. I really don't. You're too major a part of my pathetic little life, and I miss you beyond belief, even though you live 2 minutes away.
ANYWAY- So I was with Marzie last night. We were over at her house, just laying around and talking like we normally do. We got Subway and sat around watching Fosters for a while. Then we went to Barnes & Noble and got some books that we thought were cool, since we're sorta lame like that and everything, which is why right now I am not taking my nose out of The Notebook Girls. I'm about halfway through, and it's really entertaining so far. I've characterized Marz and I as Sophie and Julia. Anyway, then we came home and sat around on the computer for a while as I talked to Ivan and stole his chair. I love talking to Ivan. That kid's a riot. He's the kind of person that makes me wish I has an older brother and makes me hugely jealous that Marz has two. Then we walked around the block and critiqued every house until my Daddy came to get me. It was more exciting than it sounds, I swear! This is how normal best friends spend their time.
Either way, then I read all night, watched Office Space, Fast Time At Ridgemont High, and 40 Days & 40 Nights this morning, and went to dance this afternoon. I'm really worried about learning the rest of lyrical & Zoot Suit Riot. Mostly Zoot Suit, because it's a lot of pressure to be your teacher's partner for a routine. If you mess up, everyone knows you messed up because she does it perfectly because she choreographed it! I mean, of course she's going to be right! And I don't even know the partnering portion! Gosh, am I screwed or what??
My biggest issue is the house went on the market this weekend. I love how my mom will so readily move for my brother's problems, but it wasn't important enough when I wanted to graduate from my grade school. Everything always has to be what's best for him and what she wants. I swear, my father and I have no place in this family. No one cares what we think or what we want anymore. But he's lucky. He could leave. I'm stuck here for another three years. Then, Boston is going to see a star.

Now-- I'd like to quote this fantastic book, because it might have given me some sweet insight. I liked reading this and understanding it perfectly, but that's the best part of reading other people's actual journals. This is from Courtney's entry, on 5/17/2002.
"2nd oob: Wow Jules, I'm surprised Joe is so deep. He wants to talk with you more (or he wants your sweet lovin.. or he just wants to talk). But as you said, I totally get why you arn't attracted to him. I mean there are all these mad scrawny guys that look like 14yr olds [they are 14 year olds.. but I get what you meant. -SPC] and make me feel huge. So I like the older guys who make you feel mature and protected, like a girl! [yeah! cuddling/spoons! -SPC] He seems nice, but he should have tried to talk tons, you're friends. [word! -LN] You know the saying, if you wanna be with me, you gotta be with my friends? I guess it's just a balance of friendship and hooking up that makes a relationship work. See, with your best guy friends everything is perfect except the chemistry, and with guys you just hook up with, everything is perfect except the friendship part. But all you need is that balance and then it's perfect! I realize I use exclamation points all the time, check it out!!!!!! 3rd oob: I was thinking about the way girls process their feelings about relationships, so just hear me out. There are maybe three different feelings you have in a relationship. In the beginning it's all air because your feelings float above your head and you don't look at anything analytically or sanely, you are just floating with your new found love and make mistakes and shit. Then you're in your head and you finally step back and look at your relationship and your feelings and analyze them and think about what the hell you are doing. This is the part where you break up with the losers and decide if you want to stay with the good ones. I guess after that it's all in the heart. I don't think many people get to that place, but I think it's the best place to be.. When you're in the heart you finally know what you want, you know your feelings are real and you know the guy is right. I don't know it I'll ever get there, but I hope I can because I think that's love. Wow that was the biggest cheese factory ever. Sorry."
As corny as that is, it made me smile, because I completely agree. Don't you? =]
It made me think of him.

Oh, and Paul's jealous of me because I smell like Ocean Breeze. You should be jealous too. Hahah.